JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, JULY 27, 2009 – JOAN LOSES CONTROL AND BREAKS THE CAREGIVER RULES

My first mistake was in cutting back on the Risperdal. It did not go well the first time I cut it back, so what made me think it would work the second time? My husband’s uncontrolled temper tantrums and rages had subsided to the point that there has been peace and love in my house again. He has been doing so well that I cut the Risperdal from twice to once a day.

Since the cut back, about 3 weeks ago, I have seen little signs of anger surfacing, but they seemed to subside.

Until Saturday. We have been to the same restaurant every week for at least 4 weeks, and I never remember which way to turn to go home, nor can I remember, after I turn, whether the road to home is on the left or right side. It is no secret that I was born with a defective direction gene. I have always been this way. I am not able to orient myself to North, South, East, West, right, left, backwards, or forwards, without an inordinate amount of processing time. And often, even that doesn’t work. Hence, my reliance on Miss GPS.

Sid, on the other hand, was born with a perfect direction gene, and it is still in very good tact. The problem is that AD or no AD, he has never understood why everyone is not like him. So on this Saturday, when I was my usual confused self as to which way to turn, the black rage that I had come to know and fear, returned to his face, and he started screaming at me, “How can you NOT REMEMBER a simple thing like which way to turn? How many times have we been here? What is wrong with you? If I were driving (back to the driving issue), I would know.” He was so angry that his face took on that dark, contorted appearance I wrote about when the rages were at their peak.

If I had been patient, sweet, and calm, I would have kept my mouth shut. But sometimes, patience is at a premium price I don’t seem to be able to afford, and I flipped out. Yes, I broke the Alzheimer Caregiver Rules. Every one of them. I screamed back at him that it was good thing God gave HIM the Alzheimer’s Disease, and not me, because if it were me, he would have left me by the roadside 2 years ago. He can’t stand it that I am unable to remember which way to turn out of a parking lot, but how would he like it if I asked the same questions twenty times that he had already answered twenty times in an hour. How would he handle it if I could not remember a single conversation, direction, or bit of information that he continually repeated to me during the day? How would he like it if in addition to all of my annoying forgetfulness, he had to handle every home, financial, medical, and family crisis that arose, all while my processing was so slow I couldn’t follow any of it?

Oh my, I knew I was bad, but as I write this, I realize just how bad I was. Barely another word was spoken between us for the rest of the night. As is usually the case, I figured I would stew in my own anger for days, while he would forget the entire incident. To my surprise, he came to me much later that evening and apologized. I accepted his apology, but did not apologize for losing my temper. That wasn’t very nice of me either. I suppose I should do that now. I am not even sure if he will remember the incident. Another lesson learned – if there are apologies on our part to be made, they had better be made immediately.

But honestly, I cannot promise that I will never lose control again. Sometimes dealing with Alzheimer’s Disease just gets to me.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Joan Loses Control

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