JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – MARCH 13/14, 2010 – MY HUSBAND’S ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE TAUGHT ME THAT I CAN STAND ALONE

My childhood was spent in the 1950’s. I did not become a true “teenager” until 1961. In my house, that meant that I was brought up to believe that my only goal in life was to find a husband. It was acceptable for me to be trained as a secretary while I was looking for a husband, but the ultimate prize was to become a “Mrs.” I bought into this idea with a few minor exceptions and detours. I wanted a college education FIRST, and then I wanted a husband.

Having been born with insatiable intellectual curiosity, I reveled in the college experience, soaked up knowledge like a sponge,and looked for that husband. Although the dating pool at the University of Rhode Island was deep, and I swam in it freely, no one was interesting enough to keep me in the water. I was headed for graduation without that diamond on my finger that was expected of every female college senior in 1970. But I was also excited at the prospect of venturing out on my own – anywhere in the country – new and fascinating adventures awaited me. I felt I was ready.

Then one night, my cousin’s friend, Sid Gershman, called me and asked me out. I remembered having met him a time or two at my cousin’s house, thought he was hot, and accepted his invitation. That was it. One night. One date. I never expected love to hit that hard and fast. We both knew it immediately. We were married 7 months later, one week after I graduated. And remained passionately in love for 35 years.

We had a partnership. We supported and helped each other emotionally, and we had separate, fulfilling careers. But I was always in his shadow. He was the dominant personality, not me. He went on the business trips, gave the presentations, did most of the talking at company social affairs. I voiced my opinion clearly at home, which he valued, but I never had the confidence to speak up publicly about anything of importance at his company events.

The idea of traveling without him anywhere for any reason was appalling to both of us. We were never separated.

He handled the car buying negotiations; he talked to the financial advisor, although we made the decisions together. He bartered with the plumber and electrician. He served on the political boards of our town, gave the speeches, voiced his opinion, lobbied for candidates and issues.

Then Alzheimer’s Disease took over his brain.  I found my voice and learned that I can make it alone. I speak up for his rights; I barter and negotiate; I travel alone; have no trouble asking for a table for ONE in a restaurant; advocate for Alzheimer’s needs; speak to groups; and do not mind my own company. Living with a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease taught me what I am capable of doing alone.

I would rather have my lover and partner back the way he was. I would rather he understood my conversations without me having to explain everything I say. I would rather he remember what I say. I would rather he remember what he says. I would rather see his clear, confident face again, instead of blank confusion. I would rather a lot of things, but that is not the way life is for us. I have to find a sliver of that silver lining in the cloud of our lives, and I guess it must be that I have learned I can stand alone if I have to. And so can you.

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