JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2008 – I AM ANGRY!!!

Yes, I know I have been telling you since I launched this site in July that I was SAD, not angry, about all the losses Alzheimer’s Disease has taken from my marriage, my husband, my life. This weekend I got ANGRY. As angry as so many of you have told me you are. As is often the case in these instances, it was nothing major that precipitated my change of emotion. I was looking for emotional support (You would think I would have learned by now – it just isn’t always possible for someone with AD to understand that concept), and instead, I received a caustic remark. That set me off, and I have not stopped feeling cheated and downright MAD since.

I am angry that the life I had, the husband I had, the future I would have had, has been taken from both of us by this miserable disease. A disease that keeps on taking for years and years and years.

I am angry that I can’t have a substantive conversation with my own husband, because he now only partially processes what is said, misinterprets half of what he does process, and then forgets the conversation altogether. Angry that I have to be “on guard” when we are out socially with non-Alzheimer friends, because he rambles so, and has no “off” switch. Angry that my partner is leaving me, and every burden of life that has been shared will soon be mine alone.

And most of all, I am angry at how this disease is hurting the man I have spent almost 2/3 of my life loving. Before it destroys his brain completely, it is destroying his spirit. It is devastating to watch his pain, and his desperate attempts to hold onto the abilities he still has. As if it was his fault, and he could control it.

And I am still angry at everyone else who cannot SEE this. Even now, people outside of our Alzheimer’s social group DO NOT SEE IT.

Is it any wonder that, when I take my training walk for the Memory Walk, I keep on walking and walking and walking. Maybe I am trying to walk off the anger. Intellectually, I understand that this anger is a phase I am going through, and it too, shall pass. But emotionally, I am seething, and I feel I have a right to it. I suppose it is similar to mourning. You have to feel it, deal with it, get through it, and get on.

I would like to hear if you are angry; if you have gotten over it; or if you have never experienced it. Message Board Topic I am Angry! - Joan's Blog - 1/29/08

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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