JOAN’S BLOG – SEPTEMBER 16, 2013 – HUNTING FOR THE POSITIVE

When I was a child, there was a piece of playground equipment made of a flat, circular bottom and tall metal handles. The idea was to jump on the platform, hold onto a handle, and spin around until this torture device stopped. Some children were able to hold on until the ridiculous ride finally ended. I, however, always stumbled off in a whirl of nauseated dizziness, too disoriented to think, walk, or talk. Only because the other children made fun of me did I return a few more times for the torture, but eventually, my self preservation trumped my desire to fit in with the daredevils, and I refused to step on that platform ever again. My Alzheimer caregiving journey reminds me of that ride. It has whirled me around so many times that I find myself too dizzy, too nauseated, too disoriented, and too worn down from the physical and emotional torture of Alzheimer caregiving to be able to think straight or act upon some of  my own good advice. In this case, I return for more anguish on the “torture ride” because I will not leave the side of the husband I have loved so deeply for so many years.

One piece of seemingly good advice I have dispensed over the years, although admittedly not lately, is to try to find the positive on every leg of this whirling, stomach churning, dizzying journey. In the beginning, Sid and I took advantage of every activity he was able to enjoy in spite of his Alzheimer’s Disease and physical disability. When he was still walking, we went to outdoor concerts. When he had to rely on a walker, we went to indoor theater plays, concerts, movies, and dinners out with friends. When he needed a wheelchair, we were still able to go to movies and out to dinner. When it became too difficult for him to ride in a car, and impossible for me to lift the wheelchair in and out of the car, his friends came to our house to play dominoes with him. Plenty to write in the positive column.

No matter how forgetful, confused, and slow he has become, he has remained very social. He loves to interact and talk with people on his own level, which is why he was able to thoroughly enjoy his friends and activities at Day Care. Another positive.

No matter how much of our life together he has forgotten, to this day, he has not forgotten how much he loves me. Although I am mourning the loss of who he used to be and the life we used to have, I am grateful that he still remembers me and our love. A definite positive.

Now that Sid is in a nursing home, I am losing my way on the positivity trail. I am a lonely, grounded bird with clipped wings ( The Wind Beneath My Wings). I miss my husband. It is not right that we are living apart. But it IS right with my body that I no longer have to do the heavy lifting of hands-on caregiving. Mark that as a positive in my column.

It is not easy to find the positive in any aspect of Alzheimer’s Disease. The recent posts of despondency on the Message Boards are proof of that, but if we are not to be pulled into the despair of Alzheimer quicksand and die along with our spouses, we must try to find something positive in every day.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Blog - Hunting for the Positive

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