JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, MARCH 17/18, 2010 – HOW TO BE MY FRIEND

We Alzheimer spouses often lament the indifference and desertion of friends. I am lucky because I have a large circle of Alzheimer friends who look out for each other.

But what about the non-Alzheimer friends who, when they do call, ask how your spouse is doing, how you are doing, express concern that you “take care of yourself”, and then you don’t hear from them again for 3 months? What about those same friends who express concern, but when you ask for a favor, such as visiting with your spouse for a few hours, are “too busy”?

If you really want to be my friend, you can:

Call, and instead of telling me to “take care of myself”, try taking care of me by picking me up so I don’t have to drive, and taking me to lunch. You don’t have to pay. I’ll pay for myself. I just need to get away from my caregiving duties for a few hours.

Call and offer to stay with my spouse for a few hours, so I can go sit in the park and take a breather.

Offer to pick up some items at the grocery store for me while you are there, so I don’t have to go.

If you are a friend of my spouse, call and offer to take him/her on a little outing for the afternoon – lunch, a drive to someplace he/she may like (beach, mall, park).

If you are a friend of my spouse, offer to take him/her to one of their doctor’s appointments to give me a break.

If you are a “couple” who are friends of ours, invite us to visit at your house – just the 4 of us, so there is no over stimulation for my spouse.

If you are the caregiving spouse, and a friend rhetorically offers to help you, take them up on it and be specific – “Sure, I’d love your help. What day can you visit with him/her for a couple of hours?”  “Sure, I’d love your help. While you are at the pharmacy this week, will you please pick up my prescriptions?”

You will know where you stand and on whom you cannot count, if the answers to your requests fall into the “too busy” or “other excuse” category.

There will always be friends and family who disappoint you. But there will also always be friends and family who surprise you with their commitment and loyalty. In an effort to focus on the positive, I try to appreciate the latter, rather than dwell on the former.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com 

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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