JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, JULY 22, 2009 – I’M WONDERING – HOW DID ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE GET ME TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE?

Alzheimer’s Disease changes lives. Quickly. I did not realize how quickly, how dramatically, and how totally, until I looked around at my life this week. What I saw bore no resemblance to how I pictured I would be at 60 (almost 61) years old, just 3 years ago.  I thought I would have a home tutoring business; live in my dream house for at least 15 years with my husband by my side, sharing in the joys of warm Florida living. I thought we would take road trips to Disney World, St. Augustine, Cape Canaveral, Atlanta, New Orleans. I thought we would magically have money for all of this. Even when we got the Alzheimer diagnosis, I never really thought that our lives would change so much so fast.

But here I am 3 years later, still considering myself a young woman, and I am doing what is known as “downsizing”, which refers to moving into a much smaller house. It also refers to de-cluttering; out with the old; no new brought in to replace it. But upon more careful reflection, I feel as if my old life is disappearing before my eyes.

No more big entertainment gatherings at my home. Instead, I am passing on the family heirlooms to my younger sister; selling my beloved doll collection (that truthfully, has been boxed up for 10 years). As I move to a different phase of my life, I am preparing to tuck the old life away in the attic of my memories.

But I am not ready to let go. I am not old enough to pass down Mummy’s silver, and Great Grandma’s china to my sister or anyone. Not yet. That is what my aunts did when they were in their 80’s.

Yet this is what Alzheimer’s has brought to my life in 3 years. Three years ago, my husband was forgetful, but he was driving. He was on a ladder putting up hurricane shutters. He was scrubbing down the gas grill. He was moving shelves from one garage to another. He was still filing and helping with phone calls.

Yesterday, he was stumped when an outing was discussed with friends. He wanted to know why I did not tell him about it. We DID have a lengthy conversation about it on Sunday, which was now completely erased from his memory.  Last night, he was heartbroken and angry at himself, because he forgot to check his blood sugar level before supper, even though the meter was on the table at his place to remind him. He is seeing the decline in himself, and his sadness at this realization is more heart wrenching to watch than the decline itself.

Just 3 short years – we cannot take care of home maintenance anymore; he is physically and mentally slowing down at a rapid pace; he is more confused and forgetful than ever; and we at ages 60 and 66, are moving from our own home to an Independent Living Villa. I feel like Dorothy caught up in a tornado and dropped into Oz. This is not my life. This is not me. How did this happen? Alzheimer’s Disease happened. No matter how prepared you think you are for the changes, they hit hard.

Yes, of course, I am pleased that we are moving to a maintenance free home; that Sid will have socialization and activities; that I will have professionals to call upon should I need help with him. That is why I am doing it. But it happened so fast. It has made me realize that I have not prepared enough for what is yet to come.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: How Did AD get me to this point in my life so fast?

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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