JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2013 – THE HEARTBREAK OF AWARENESS  

As Alzheimer Spouses, we dread the time when our husbands and wives become lost so deep in the Alzheimer tunnel that they are unaware of their surroundings, and worst of all, no longer know who we are. What part of Alzheimer’s Disease could be worse than having the love of your life not know where they are, what is happening around them, or who you are?

Because my husband has not yet advanced to the “unaware” stage, it would be foolish of me to think that I know how those of you who have experienced it, feel. However, this week, an event occurred that made me think perhaps, just perhaps, being aware of what is happening may be worse than the “oblivion” stage.

As many of you know, my husband’s physical disabilities are catching up to his mental ones. He is barely able to walk, is in constant pain (regardless of all the pain medication), and is becoming increasingly weak and exceptionally slow at every task he attempts. The simple act of reaching for a knife to butter his toast is a chore that takes extra time. He is unable to dress and undress himself without assistance.

Cognitively, he is unable to hold a thought in his head for more than a few seconds. He is constantly confused, and is beginning to have difficulty finding the correct words with which to express himself.

Yesterday, he came out of the bathroom, after taking 45 minutes to shave, and told me that everything is becoming too hard for him, and he knows what that means. My once tall, strong, capable, protective husband, now stooped over his walker, tears running down his face said to me – “I know what this means. You’ll have to send me away. I won’t be able to do it. I’ll be heartbroken. I can’t be separated from you.”

I felt as if a boulder had fallen upon my chest and crushed my heart and soul. I cried along with him, all the time questioning how a young, vibrant, loving, capable couple had ended up in such illness and despair. I was able to divert his attention and change the subject, as I could not bear to see him so hurt.

My worst fear has come true. I always worried that Sid’s physical disability would require placement before his mental condition. Witnessing and feeling his pain and depression over his situation has made me think that “oblivion” is better when placement is imminent. Yes, they may feel fear at being separated from their main caregiver, but are they not better off when they are unaware that their mental and physical abilities are failing? Are they not somehow protected from emotional pain when living in their own little Alzheimer world?

As if his awareness of his physical limitations was not bad enough, that same night, I was making conversation, more for my benefit than his of course, and said something about the computer programs I use always changing, forcing me to constantly learn new methods. This man, who was an electronic whiz, who could take apart and put together any piece of electronic equipment, and hook up anything with a cord, said to me – “ I wish I was still smart about those things so I could help you. I can’t do anything anymore.”

SMASH. There was that boulder again – fallen heavy upon my chest and heart. He knows. He sees himself getting physically weaker, and he knows his cognitive ability is failing. He is frightened of what it means for him; he is depressed; and he is heartsick. I ask again - Would he not be better off if he were unaware of his situation? I seem to think so. I may be wrong, but when I think of how I would feel in his shoes, I can barely stand the pain. If I knew my body and mind were failing me, and it meant the end of my life living together with Sid, I would fall into a depression so deep, I could never escape from it. Would not oblivion be better?

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Blog - The Heartbreak of Awareness

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2013 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2013 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

RECENT BLOGS:

What if it Were Me? - April 19, 2013 - My caregiving stress has led to impatience and grouchiness, which has made me think about how I would feel if I were in his shoes.

The Cardinal Rule - April 29, 2013 - A reminder, due to my lapse, to never, never, ever, try to explain a complex incident to your spouse.

Caregiving is a Killer - May 15, 2013 - A blog in response to the unthinkable tragedy suffered by one of our members, whose father, in the early stages of dementia, killed his wife, who suffered from chronic, unalleviated pain, and his daughter-in-law, (our member's wife), who was deep into Alzheimer's Disease, before killing himself.

Nothing to Say - May 21, 2013 - Attending a non-Alzheimer social function made me realize how isolated I have become.

CUSTOM DESIGNED SCARVES AND MORE

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved