JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2010 – GUEST BLOG BY ELIZABETH HOWE – GRIEF

Dave Howe, author of “Living in an Evil Fog”, passed away recently. His wife, Betsy, who is a member of this website, has written an article on grief for her local Alzheimer’s Association chapter newsletter. As most of us are aware, Alzheimer widows/widowers experience grief and loss for years before their spouses’ actual passing. In this article, Betsy speaks about the Alzheimer grief before and after death, as well as life with a terminally ill spouse.  

SUGGESTIONS FROM A CAREGIVER—Support, Part 6—Grief by Elizabeth Howe

This article is in memory of my beloved husband, Dave, who ended his journey on this earth recently. It is also dedicated to all our friends at the Great Plains Chapter of the
Alzheimer’s Association who helped us on this journey and our friends who made everyday a little brighter because they were there walking the path too.

What is grief? Grief is the response to loss, any loss, but in this context we are talkingabout someone to whom a bond was formed—spouse, parent, sibling, good friend, other
relative. We begin our journey, as do most reading this, when we know ‘something’ is not ‘right’. We walk a path of alternating doubt and hope, reaching out for understanding of what is occurring and acceptance of our ‘difference’ by others as well as ourselves.

Along the path we found the Great Plains Chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association. The association and all officially associated with the chapter help us learn, accept, and even
grow as they help us find new resources locally and nationally through the Alzheimer’s Association web site. The local chapter sponsors support groups. At first we think the support group is for us—to support us, guide us, provide resources. And then we come to realize that the support group IS for us, but not just to receive support but to give supportto others as we all grow new friendships and share our experiences, triumphs and losses with each other. The association and the support groups help us deal with our very real daily grief.

People think of grief at death as occurring when someone’s body leaves this earth. While there is a ‘grief’ that occurs with that finality, those with a terminal illness begin the grief
process at once, often before diagnosis, as little and sometimes bigger things just leave. One day an ability is here and the next it is gone. Then we experience what is called ‘anticipatory grief.’ We know other things will be leaving as well and need to plan for handling ‘the next step’ while dealing with the intricacies of today’s journey.

Grief is very complex. While there certainly is an emotional component, there are other components we must deal with. If we do not consider and address the physical ramifications, we can and caregivers often do, become physically ill ourselves. This negatively impacts our own lives, but also limits our ability to help our loved ones as we move along our journey’s path.

There are cognitive components too. Sometimes if we have not taken good enough care of our own mental health we experience symptoms of mental loss. When we notice those
abilities and focus are becoming more difficult to maintain, we need to concentrate on finding the support for ourselves our loved one can no longer provide. Often by talking
with others in the Alzheimer’s Association or other support groups for caregivers we can get hints of what we can fit into our own lives to help smooth the path. And sometimes
just hearing about the path of others makes our own path seem less onerous!

What to do? Realize you are grieving. Allow yourself to grieve. Go to a support group. Seek and accept help—emotional (someone to call) and physical (help with tasks,
respite, advice on ‘how to do’ this or that task you must now take on). Simplify tasks in our lives. If a task does not need doing, don’t do it at all, or at least do it only half as
often. It gets easier to let things go with practice. Do the windows REALLY need cleaning twice a year? My windows all said ‘no.’ Simplify relationships in your lives. If it becomes apparent that certain people, even family, are not being supportive and/or are negatively impacting your journey, then decrease or discontinue your contact with them.

Remember what is most important in life…your loved one and yourself and the time you have left on your journey. Cherish every day you have together. Celebrate the triumphs,
even the ‘small’ things we used to take for granted like self-care. Celebrate friends and family who appreciate you for who you are, not who you used to be or who they want
you to be. Celebrate or develop spirituality, a sense that there is something ‘bigger’ that is good and all-caring. Celebrate every second with your loved one.

 Article published in Great Plains Chapter, Alzheimer’s Assn., Spring 2010 Newsletter
© Elizabeth (Betsy) Howe 2009

Excellent resources, easy to read in small snatches:
James, John W. and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York, New
York: Harper Collins Publisher. 2009.
Rando, Therese A. Ph.D. Grieving: How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies.
Lexington, Massachusetts: Lexington Books. 1988.

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