JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, MARCH 24, 2008 – ADVICE ON GRIEF FROM A READER

I have no experience on the death of a spouse, and would not presume to present advice to those of you trying to cope with such a loss, except to offer hugs and support.  Some of our readers have faced this end of the AD journey recently, and others are facing it imminently. Over the weekend, I received an e-mail from a reader who wanted to share her story of grief with you. I will let the letter speak for itself:

Dear Joan,

    "On March 11 my beloved of 24 years died after three horrible years of accelerated decline with Alzheimer's. Please warn your readers, as a dear friend who had just gone through the same thing warned me, no matter how prepared you think you are, the death will come as a terrible shock and you won't be prepared for it. My whole life was focused on care-giving these past three years and suddenly . . . empty. I'm lucky -- I have loving family and friends who are rallying to help me through this time, and I have a good place to live, a nice enough home, and theoretically good reasons to keep on going. I'm only 69. But I never knew anything could hurt so much as this loss, even though I had told myself over and over that the quicker my LO got out of this misery and on to the next world the better. My LO is indeed home free; it's I who am not. I have sought and been helped by bereavement counseling -- and have only one regret, that as death approached we did not contact HOSPICE much, much sooner. They are helping me now deal with the grief.
I am thinking of trying to write up our experience to make it available to anyone whom it might help. Sincerely, Jane Hastings in Victoria, BC, Canada"

Yes, when death is expected, we think it will be a relief, and at first, it is (I speak from experience with my mother’s long, slow, agonizing cancer death). But then reality sets in, and we are left alone to deal with it. We all need to know that everyone grieves in their own way on their own timetable, and you should be allowed the time and space to do so. Although Jane has shared her shock and grief with us, I feel she has also shown us a positive side – that with loving support, one can find their way through the dark tunnel to the light again.
A word about Hospice – I have never heard anyone say – “We should have waited longer to call Hospice.”  As I wrote to Jane – "Hospice is not just for the last days. They can be called if the illness is considered fatal (as Alzheimer's is), and there is a less than a year to live diagnosis. They can get everything you need IMMEDIATELY, and they provide services, equipment, and assistance that cannot be gotten from anyone else. Everyone usually waits too long to call Hospice." 

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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