JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRI, SEPTEMBER 8/9, 2011 – FINAL ACCEPTANCE

In July of this year, I wrote a blog titled “A Lesson Not Learned”. In it, I described how I have learned many Alzheimer Rules in dealing with my husband’s behavior and cognitive declines, but I was unable to master the “answer his repetitive questions as if it was the first time you heard it” rule. The same question asked 10 times in one day had me screaming in frustration, “I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY.” 

Today, I am here to tell you that the lesson has been learned. The hard way - through my husband’s emotional pain that was so difficult to bear it broke my already shattered, scarred heart, but steeled my resolve to accept and answer his questions as if they were being asked for the first time.

This final acceptance of mine has been sneaking up upon me. Lately, when I tell Sid that I have answered that question already (probably at least 3 times), he looks downtrodden and says, “I’m sorry.”  I immediately feel badly about my cryptic response, and tell him it is not his fault. Unfortunately, I was not aware of just how “sorry” he was until an incident a few days ago.

One evening, as is his usual routine, he asked me what we were doing the next day. I told him. Less than 3 minutes later, he asked me what we were doing the next day. I was stunned. There is usually at least a 10-15 minute gap between questions. I did not snap at him; I simply asked him if he truly did not recall asking that question barely 3 minutes ago. I guess everything came together at that one moment for both of us. He realized the extent to which Alzheimer’s Disease was affecting his cognition and memory, and he started to weep. Observing his self devastation felt as if I had stabbed both of us in the heart. I finally realized the time had come for me to stop reminding him of his deficits. He now knows them; I know them. The only course left to me is to ease his pain by answering his questions, and not making him aware that he has asked before.

I do wish there was not so much emotional pain involved in learning these lessons. Each lesson follows the same path – certainly for the Alzheimer spouse, but also very often for the spouse with the disease.  Confusion first.  We ask – What is going on here?  Then denial. Then fight, fight, fight against the deficit and decline. A slow realization. Finally, acceptance. Sadly, we each get hurt every time this process repeats itself.

My recent blog – Alzheimer’s Disease has Knocked the Fight Out of Me” (see below) discusses how I am accepting and taking most declines in stride now. The “repetitive question” problem was the last one I have been fighting. No more fighting. Lesson learned.

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