JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 2009 – I FAILED THE “NO ARGUE” TEST

Well, now I thought I was doing pretty well. I DO NOT ARGUE with my husband anymore. I ignore him when he starts complaining about me to me. Without an audience (me) to challenge him, he slows down, sputters, and runs out of gas.  I don’t try to reason with him when he gets irrational. Again, without an audience, he pretty much stops.

However, I have failed the “body language” and “tone of voice” portion of the exam. Our social worker tells us all the time that you must say – “Yes. You’re right. Yes. I was wrong. I apologize,” even if you don’t mean it, because it diffuses a potentially volatile situation, given that their reasoning button is broken. She also says that if you say it with clenched teeth in an angry voice, it pretty much nullifies the deal. Those in most stages of dementia are very attuned to tone of voice.

Yesterday, I really was naughty.  He was angry with me because he thought I did not pay a particularly important bill. He went off on a lecturing tangent that rambled on for 45 minutes. I responded with “Uh, huh. Whatever you say. Yup. I’m not going to argue with you. You’re right. Yup. Whatever you say.” Okay, so maybe it wasn’t in the most sincere voice possible. All right, I’ll be honest. It was downright  and snippy. My attitude did nothing to diffuse his anger. It actually made it worse.

I have found that if I follow not only the social worker’s advice, but my own professional training, and my voice and body language are sincere, quiet, calm, and non-reactionary to his outbursts, they fizzle out. (As long as he is on his Risperdal – nothing works if he is not on the medication)

So I failed the test yesterday. But it was just a pop quiz. If I compare where I was two years ago, to where I am now, I still think I’m ahead of the curve in studying  for the full exam.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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