JOAN’S POST VACATION BLOG – JANUARY 16-18, 2011- THE END OF THE ‘US’ VACATION

A ‘couples’ vacation is made of planning, fun, shared memories, shedding of stress and work responsibilities, pillow talk, and freedom. I am not naïve enough to think that this most recent vacation would have been remotely close in tone to those Sid and I took for the first 35 years of our marriage. But I expected a bit more than the final shattering of dreams that it became for me.

For those readers who are unfamiliar with my vacation plans, I will summarize. Friends from Massachusetts booked a villa in a resort in Celebration, the town that Disney built, adjacent to Orlando. They invited us to join them. Each couple had a villa – one bedroom, two bathrooms, fully equipped kitchen, living room, dining room and washer and dryer.  I packed the car with suitcases, a cooler of food, and Sid’s wheelchair and walker. Yes, packed, schlepped, pushed, pulled, and lugged by myself, as Sid is physically unable due to his fractured knees and exceptionally weak legs. Off to Orlando for a 2 hour breeze of a ride up the Florida Turnpike with Miss GPS.

What I knew in my heart, but was unwilling to face before we went, was that when one is a caregiver and takes their “caree” on vacation, all the caregiver is doing is moving her work from one place to another. His confusion at being in a different “home” was not too bad. He got used to where things were fairly quickly, but the incessant questions were worse than ever. All day, every day, he asked at least four times a day where we were going, what time we were going, where it was, what we were going to do, with whom we were going to do it. It never stopped, and it drove me crazy. There was no shared planning or shared memories because he could not remember anything from one minute to the next.

He did not have his electric lift chair for TV watching, thus he was extremely uncomfortable, and had serious difficulty getting in and out of the living room chair. So Joan waited on him. Day and night. Night and Day. Since he was quite concerned that I relax on our vacation, he kept asking me if I was relaxing. Why, yes, in between waiting on him, answering his questions repeatedly, and telling him what to do when, I was relaxing.  

The good news is that being with our friends was the saving grace. My friend’s husband did all of the driving, wheelchair lifting in and out of the car, and pushing Sid. Wherever we went, he took Sid to the bathroom in the wheelchair. He talked with Sid about things that happened 30 years ago, because Sid is able to remember long term experiences. While the guys were talking, the wives were catching up on news. It was then that I did some hard core relaxing. I did not have to worry about Sid for a minute. We have known this couple for almost 35 years, our sons are best friends, and we have traveled extensively together. They are dear true friends.

We did have a lot of fun at night, attending dinner shows and eating at favorite restaurants. Al Capone’s nightclub was a hoot. The Arabian Nights show was magnificent. Sid was able to enjoy the shows and dinner “in the moment”. He will remember going to the nightclubs, but he will not remember the details. That is okay – as long as he was able to enjoy “the moment”, because he will not have the memories.

The trip was a mixed blessing. On the positive side, we got to enjoy some experiences together, even though the memories of them will be mine alone. We got to enjoy the company of good friends. I did get a bit of a rest. On the negative side, I was forced to accept the fact that “shared” vacations with my husband are relegated to the past. It is a huge loss to Alzheimer’s Disease that as the disease progresses, so does my life alone.

Please post comments and your vacation stories on the message boards: Joan is home from vacation.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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