JOANS’ BLOG – FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2009 – THE END OF TRAVELING TOGETHER

I was e-mailing my sister the other day, discussing my travel plans for the next year. She lives in Chicago; I live in Florida; our parents and other relatives live in Rhode Island; and my son lives in San Francisco. It is not easy to co-ordinate visits where everyone gets to see at least someone once a year, but we do manage it.

In the midst of all this relative visiting, I mentioned that I desperately want Sid and I to take a real vacation together – a vacation like we used to take – sightseeing, swimming, dining out. I fully understand that nothing, vacations included, will ever be the way it was before Alzheimer’s Disease, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could enjoy a relaxing trip together. Then I wrote – “I want us to have some real vacations while we still can. When it stops, it stops forever. Scary to think about.”

Wow! I frightened myself with that statement. It was another Alzheimer’s slap in my face. Forever. When our traveling together stops this time, it will be forever. The finality of that word is bringing forth a flood of 40 years of memories of holding hands snorkeling in the aquamarine Hawaiian waters, romantic starlit night walks on the decks of countless cruise ships, sightseeing trips on the Monterey Coast, hiking breathless up the hills of San Francisco to visit Alcatraz. I cannot believe there will be no more.

When our traveling together stops, it is not just the travel, but another part of our lives that will have ended. There have been so many losses in our relationship to the ultimate winner – Alzheimer’s Disease, a disease which has frayed our emotional bond, stolen our conversation, intimacy, and understanding of one another’s needs. When listed, these losses seem much more important than taking trips together. But somehow, the knowledge that our traveling fun as a couple will be over and never returned to us is hitting me hard.

I look into my future and I see travel. Travel alone; travel with friends and family. But never again will I be able to experience a new adventure, port, landmark, museum, through the eyes of my best friend and lover. There will be no more laughter as we share memories, pictures, videos, and stories of our misadventures.  I will have to be content to look through the old ones by myself, and remember the joy and warmth of what was.

As I write this, I am thinking that I have nothing to complain about. There are scores of couples who have never had 40 years of anything together, and certainly not 40 years of exciting vacation memories. For that, I am blessed, and I know it. But as I always say, my feelings are my feelings. I cannot shut them off, and the thought of losing the joy of traveling together is bringing out the melancholy in me.

Planning ahead is not easy when one’s spouse has Alzheimer’s Disease, but never let it be said that I am undetermined. I am thinking of a cruise for us and another couple with whom we are close friends. That husband also has dementia, and he and Sid are very comfortable with one another. I want us to be able to enjoy life to the fullest degree possible for as long as he as able. Because when the travel ends for us, it will be forever, and forever is a very long time.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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