JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – DECEMBER 6/7, 2008 – AT THE END OF MY ROPE

What is the reality behind the statement we hear all of the time – “Alzheimer’s is the cruelest of diseases.”? Does anyone who has not lived in the Hell  of Alzheimer’s Disease have any understanding of what this disease does to patient and caregiver? I think not.

This disease has destroyed my life, marriage, love, future, finances, husband, heart, and hope. Friday was the culmination of months of ups, mostly downs, and the day I finally slipped off the rope and threw in the towel.

My husband’s side first – He has lost his self-esteem, physical and emotional freedom, ability as a provider, non-Alzheimer friends, joy, and hope for the future. All of that has been replaced by anger, rage, and depression. Since he no longer has the ability to reason rationally when in the grip of the Alzheimer Devil, he cannot understand that accepting his limitations and finding solutions to work around them is better than sitting home, wallowing in self pity, self hatred, and rage towards me.

From my perspective- I wake up every morning with the weight of the world Alzheimer’s Disease has deposited on my shoulders. As soon as I open my eyes, I am confronted with tears and anger that in taking his driving away, I took away his life and freedom. He cannot go anywhere or do anything without me, on my timetable, and he would rather sit home alone than suffer the humiliation of being driven to an outing with his Alzheimer buddies, none of whom drive either. The fact that watching him self destruct is shattering what little heart I have left is lost on him.

In the midst of this emotional upheaval, I am overwhelmed with a financial Armageddon, with no time to write the presentation workshops that will enable me to be compensated, because I am consumed with his depression and rage. Not to mention driving everywhere, a task with which I never would have tortured myself if I did not feel it was necessary. Another fact lost on him. He insists I brought it upon myself, and I deserve whatever inconvenience and exhaustion it is causing me.

So on Friday, I finally slipped off the rope. There is a limit to what one person can endure. I told him that I was finished. He could have his freedom, his independence, his license, his car, and his life back. But since I am currently legally responsible for everything he does, he would have to do it on his own. I would divorce him, go to our lawyer, and make sure I was off of every document that made me responsible for him. Only he and those who know how much and how long I have loved him, how much a part of my life he has been, and how emotionally intertwined and connected we have been, could understand how devastated and desperate I had to be to offer to take that step.

I know, deep in my heart, before Alzheimer’s Disease, he loved me more than anyone he has ever loved in his life. He loved me deeply, fully, and unconditionally. Somewhere, inside his Alzheimer brain, he still thinks he loves me, and he was shaken up enough by my offer that, after long and careful thought, he said he would TRY to accept life as it is now, and he would TRY to go places and engage in activities with his Alzheimer buddies, even if he had to be driven there. I guess that will give me some peace and quiet for however long it lasts.

You often tell me that my words are your words; that what I write is what you have struggled with. If that is the case with this blog, please post your comments on the Message Board Topic – At the End of My Rope.

©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman    

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