JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, MARCH 16/17, 2011 – ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END – INCLUDING MY RESPITE

My sister’s visit, which allowed me 10 glorious days of respite, ended at 10:30 AM today, when the car service picked her up to take her to the airport. I have not been overwhelmed, worn out, or dead exhausted, since she arrived and took over 75% of my duties.

My cousin told me that Sid remarked to her, “Joan sure has been more relaxed since Arlene got here.”  Yes, well I do believe that when someone else does my shopping, laundry, driving, errands, and constant running back and forth to the ALF next door to tend to my father’s needs, I would be “more relaxed.” Arlene even ‘babysat’ Sid one evening while I was out making a condolence call.

Since every experience teaches us something, this one gave me a different perspective on my life. Where I see my father as unhappy, complaining, crabby, and constantly needing something from me, she (after not having seen him in 9 months) sees him as well taken care of, well fed, settled, as occupied as he can be, and in the best place possible. She (who, as a teenager, had her turn taking care of the household and him after our mother died), understands his “neediness”, but encouraged me to ignore the non-legitimate complaints and to stop running every time he calls for something.

In the case of my AD husband, she sees him exactly as I do. She knows the loving closeness we used to share; she knows the man he used to be, and she sees what I see - the declines, confusion, memory loss, and clinginess. She completely agreed with me that my life is in “limbo” – a “widow” with a living spouse; not able to move forward towards a new life. But whereas I deeply feel the emotional loss, she encouraged me to not dwell on the past, as it will depress me to the point of being unable to function. To her credit, she acknowledged that her advice was easy to give, because it is not her husband, and she is not the one having to deal with such emotional devastation. But, like my son, she is more concerned about me than Sid. They both recognize that his life and fate are sealed, and cannot be altered. They do not want me to ‘go down with the ship’. None of us has yet come up with a total solution as to how to accomplish that task.  

However, this week and a half has also taught me that regular respite is an absolute MUST if I am to stay afloat. As I wrote in the “Simplifying My Life” blog, my #1 priority has to be making things easier on myself. Online shopping and prioritizing the needs of both my husband and my father, and not feeling guilty if I do not jump to their every demand are first steps. If I add one weekend a month of true respite away from my caregiving duties, maybe I will survive to enjoy a life “after”.

©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2011 All Rights Reserved
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