JOAN’S BLOG – MAY 3/4, 2010 – REVISITING “THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE”

There has been so much discussion lately on our boards about “The Emotional Divorce”, the necessity of achieving it; how to achieve it; if it is possible to achieve it, that I thought I would reprint my original blog about it, as well as the entire article by Dr. Marvin Fredman.

Since the article was first presented to me 3 years ago, I have come to understand it, but I am not sure I will ever be able to completely achieve it. My main argument with Dr. Fredman is not that an emotional divorce is needed, but that it is impossible to have those needs met by others. Support group friends, new friends, new activities, and our inner selves can meet certain of our social/emotional needs, but the special emotional bond between spouses cannot be met by any other than a spouse. That was my opinion 3 years ago, and it is my opinion now.

I have written a variety of blogs about caregivers forging a life, interests, and friends of their own while still caregiving, in order to ease the transition when caregiving is no longer part of our lives. I believe in what I wrote, and try to live by it. But I still cannot imagine that the strong emotional connection between spouses will ever be broken.  Below is my blog from Nov. 07, and the text of Dr. Fredman’s article:

REPRINT OF NOV. 7, 2007 BLOG – THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE

When I first told one of my social workers that I was planning on starting a website devoted to spousal issues and Alzheimer’s Disease, she sent me an article she thought I could use – "The Emotional Divorce" by the psychologist, Dr. Marvin Fredman. At that time, the subject matter upset me so much, that I was unable to finish reading it. I listed it in the "Articles of Interest" section on the left side of the website, and did not return to it until last week.
Because we have engaged in so much discussion about AD’s destructiveness on the emotional bond between lovers; its expertise in robbing the essence from the spouse we loved; and its proficiency in leaving us lonely and hurting as we try to care for the body that once housed our vibrant, intelligent, warm, loving spouse, I thought it was time to discuss the article’s controversial content.

To summarize, Dr. Fredman says that when Alzheimer’s Disease breaks the emotional bond between spouses, we, the caregiving spouses, must accept it. We must stop looking to our spouses for emotional support, because we will be continually hurt and disappointed. This emotional stress will hinder our ability to provide the care that they need. He advises us to Get A Life (Nov.6th Blog topic), separate from the one we had with our spouse. He advises us to look for support from others, or find it within ourselves.

We are all at different stations on this AD journey. A year ago, I did not understand what Dr. Fredman meant. I do now, but that does not mean my husband’s disease has yet broken that bond irreparably. It has sometimes stretched it to its limit, but it is not yet broken, and I will hang onto it for as long as it is possible.
Of all the anguish this disease brings to us, it is my feeling that accepting that final break must be more emotionally wrenching than the death of our loved one.

I know many of you have already been forced into the “emotional divorce” by AD.  Some of you have accepted it; some of you have not. I would like to hear from both veteran and new members on this subject. Those of you who have been with me since 2007 – has your opinion and ability on this subject changed? Those of you who are new to this site – what is your opinion of this subject? Do you believe you can break that bond?

The Emotional Divorce By Dr. Marvin Fredman, Psychologist

Over the last eight years, I have recommended to the spouses of Alzheimer's victims that they work towards achieving an emotional divorce from the husbands and wives that are suffering from this terrible disease. Whenever I bring up this issue during speeches to caregivers, there appears to be genuine interest that is generated. I wanted to take the opportunity to discuss the concept of emotional divorce in writing because it is so important to those concerned.

Everyone is familiar with a physical divorce, but many people have never heard of an emotional divorce. An emotional divorce occurs when a person successfully breaks the emotional bond with another person that was created when these two people formed a romantic attachment, with each other. When two meet and form a romantic attachment, both people have emotional needs which are satisfied by the other person. The more "in love" we feel, we become dependent upon that person who is satisfying our emotional needs, because we feel so much better when there is someone in our life who is providing the love, attention, help, etc. that we crave. We value that person strongly and expect that the person will continue to satisfy our emotional needs. As long as both people feel satisfied with each other, marital harmony exists. However, if one spouse begins to discontinue providing for the other, then tension and strife build.

We are familiar with the course of AD, and we know that the patients deteriorate over many years. As the mental deterioration proceeds, the AD victim becomes less and less able to meet the emotional needs of his or her partner. Making matters worse is the fact that the patients become a continual burden on the spouse- which now causes even more strain on the emotional relationship between these two people. Typically, both the patient and the caregiver become depressed and frustrated with respect to their relationship because they can no longer relate emotionally as they once were able to do. A normal reaction is for both persons to withdraw emotionally from one another, which leaves both feeling isolated and rejected.

It is necessary for each caregiver to become less and less emotionally dependent upon his/her spouse with AD, and to become more able to let go of the expectations that his/her spouse is going to provide for emotional needs. Who then is going to provide for the emotional needs of the caregiver? Certainly not the patient. What is a caregiver to do? Find other people--such as those found in support groups--to provide the emotional support that once was provided by the patient. Even more important, the caregiver needs to become a more emotionally independent person with emotional needs that can be self-satisfied. Achieving a greater degree of emotional independence will benefit the caregiver and, indirectly, the spouse who has AD.

Achieving an emotional divorce is a difficult process that requires a committed individual who is willing to work hard. For many people, professional assistance is needed to help get through the process. Professionals have the objectivity, as well as the necessary training and experience that friends and family members tend to lack. Working towards an emotional divorce is necessary for all caregivers so that they may remain loving, patient and maximally helpful to their spouses.
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