JOAN’S BLOG, MON/TUE., SEPTEMBER 19/20, 2011 – THE EFFECT OF MEMORY LOSS ON A RELATIONSHIP

The effect of memory loss on the marital relationship cannot be understood by anyone who is not living with, and caring for, a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease/dementia. I certainly had no idea what it meant when we began this journey. The farther into this tunnel we proceed, the more I now understand. The more I understand, the sadder and lonelier I become.

We have had numerous discussions on the Message Boards about the loss of conversation and companionship as our spouses advance in the disease. Often loss of conversation is related to the PWD (person with dementia) having lost the ability to find and use words properly. That is not what I am discussing today. I am focusing totally on memory.

Loving companionship and conversation grows from memories of shared previous experiences and continually forming memories from new experiences and information.

Conversation and companionship slips when one person loses the memory of the experiences you have shared. You can no longer reminisce or discuss them. In our case now, it is the short term memory that is causing loss of not only conversation, but companionship. Almost nothing I say, joke about, or try to discuss, stays in his head.

Just a few examples: My therapy company did not follow through as they should have concerning extension of my physical therapy, resulting in the cut-off of therapy until the situation is resolved. I guess out of habit, I told the story to Sid. The next day, I referenced the problem, mentioning how it was going to be resolved. He looked at me blankly, having no idea what I was talking about. End of conversation. End of an experience and solution we could share- totally related to memory loss.

At the end of last season’s television season, we watched a very exciting, suspenseful final season episode of NCIS: Los Angeles. He was upset that he would not find out how it ended until the new season began in September. Last week, the network repeated the final episode to remind everyone of it, and to lead into the new season. He had no memory of the entire episode. None. Not a glimmer. End of conversation that I was dying to have about who, when, what would happen, and why. I sat silently – totally related to memory loss.

I am so looking forward to spending Thanksgiving at my sister’s house in Chicago. My son is coming from San Francisco; my nephews and their wives, and two new babies, as well as my 2 year- old great niece, 4 dogs, and whomever else shows up. When I mentioned the trip in November (which we have discussed often), he wanted to know where we were going. When I mentioned the babies, he did not know who was having one or which one was already born, or which nephew they belonged to. (These are not distant relatives – he knows them all very well (or DID), and sees them a couple of times a year. End of conversation – totally related to memory loss.

When I refresh his memory about whatever I am trying to discuss, he becomes depressed and cries because he does not remember, so I try not to talk about that either. End of conversation – totally related to memory loss.

I find myself going to bed sad and lonely. An entire evening spent in almost silence without the conversation, sharing, and companionship of the husband I used to have. This is Alzheimer’s Disease. This is the effect Alzheimer’s Disease has on marriage. This stinks.

 MESSAGE BOARD: Joan's Blog - Effect of Memory Loss on Marriage

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2011 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved