JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, JULY 9, 2008 – FIREWORKS AFTER JULY 4TH - THE DRIVING ISSUE IS SETTLED

I believe very strongly in fate, and every time something else happens on this wretched AD journey, it reinforces my belief even more.

It was fate that took the driving issue out of my hands. (I and three other professionals felt that my husband's decrease in judgment and reasoning were interfering with his ability to drive - he adamantly disagreed of course.) As I had mentioned in the June 26th blog, we sold my car. Coincidentally (fate?), it was time to renew the car insurance. I got a call from our insurance agent on Monday with the news that my insurance company will no longer insure “one car” families. (Never mind the absurdity of such a policy.)  That left me with no choice but to find another insurance company, which meant…………filling out another application, which meant answering the question about a driver having a mental disability that will interfere with driving. I said nothing to Sid until I met with our insurance agent; checked with 2 other agents; and heard from 3 different underwriters. Bottom line was, of course, that no one would insure a new client with a pre-existing condition of progressive Alzheimer’s Disease.  During this 24 hour period, I was such a nervous wreck, my whole body was shaking at the prospect of having to deliver this news to my husband, who feels his very existence is tied to his driving.

It also had to be fate that it was just one week ago that I finally accepted the loss of the husband I had (see blog below); that I accepted that I had to respond to; relate to; and deal with Alzheimer’s Disease, not my husband. Because how else could I have dealt with the latest crisis? How else could I have withstood the dark rage, the rants, the door slamming, the descent into depression, the accusations that I should be happy that I finally got what I wanted.

If this had occurred more than a week ago, before my shift in acceptance, I would not be writing this Blog now. I would probably be hooked up to machines in a hospital from a high blood pressure explosion.

But this time, I let my professional training take over. Hopefully, my experience will be helpful to some of you. When dealing with a person who is irrational, and full of rage, especially one with decreased comprehension, it is important to use as few words as possible, and also give them a sense of control. So as he was yelling that I was forcing him to be a prisoner in the house, that he would never be able to go anywhere or do anything, I calmly (yes, honest, I was calm) told him that was HIS CHOICE. He could certainly CHOOSE to stay in the house and never go anywhere or he could CHOOSE to go places with me and let me take him where he wanted to go. Then I said nothing else.

I immediately saw a flicker of surprise in his face, and a slight decrease in anger. He said he would go places with me, but “it wouldn’t be same as him driving himself.” I agreed it wouldn’t be the same, but it couldn’t be changed, and that was the end of it. I didn’t say anything else. Screaming arguments and a major blood pressure attack for me were avoided.

My heart hurts, and always will, that he would not allow me to comfort him, as I always have in times of trial. My heart hurts, even though he does not think so, that so much has been taken away from him by this damn disease. My heart hurts to see this disease take piece by piece by piece of the man I knew him to be. The tears flow at every new blow hurled by the devil named Alzheimer’s Disease.

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