JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2009 – THE DRIVING ISSUE REARS ITS UGLY HEAD AGAIN

I thought we were done with it. After 10 straight months of screaming rages, emotional and verbal abuse, obsessive talking and thinking about it, and major depression all related to my husband’s loss of his driving privileges, I thought it was over. The torture he was putting me through did not end it. Only when it was pointed out to him that he was driving away his friends with his incessant complaining and refusal of any of their advice, (along with the addition of Risperdal), did it finally stop.

Thanks to a glitch in the State of Florida’s license/ID renewal website, the dreadful driving issue re-emerged  in full regalia on Monday. Due to our move, I had to change the address on my license and Sid’s ID. I had no problem with mine. I filled out the online form, paid my $25 by credit card, received an e-mail confirmation, and my license with the new address was delivered to my mailbox on Monday. HOWEVER, even though the online form says license OR ID number, it would not take Sid’s ID number. Instead, I got a message that his license could not be renewed because he had surrendered it. As if I didn’t know that, considering the Hell it caused for almost a year. I was informed that he needed to make an appointment, show up at the license bureau IN PERSON, to receive a new ID.

That set him off over the weekend. It started with mild “digs” about how I would not be so tired if he could drive and do all of my errands. The fact that I was tired from doing all of the unpacking, organizing, and putting away from the move, escaped his Alzheimer brain. It had NOTHING to do with driving to errands. EVERYTHING is related to his lack of driving, in his mind.

It progressed to him begging me to let him get his license back, which he promised to use in “emergencies only”, such as if I had a heart attack while driving. I tried ignoring him, but I was so angry that I was dealing with this again, that I snapped at him, reminding him that Dr. S. had nixed the driving during the last two appointments.

It deteriorated to him calling me names – “stubborn” being the most prominent; then becoming angry and belligerent.

By Monday morning, he was so furious, that he was screaming at me for incidents that had nothing to do with driving. Although I have worked for two weeks, almost non-stop, setting up the house, and not complaining to him one bit that he is too tired and achy to help, he was yelling and nagging because I did not make some appointments for him or pay some bills. By the time we got into the car to go to the license bureau, he was completely irrational, grousing about how my tiredness was my own fault because I was too stubborn to let him drive. Therefore, by his logic, I asked for it and I deserved it.

He did not make a scene in the license bureau, thank goodness. Since there is nothing wrong with my memory, I was still livid all the way home, and through lunch. By that time, he could not remember what he said or did not say. You can be sure I refreshed his memory. He seemed quite confused, but did apologize. I am not sure he knew why he was apologizing.

I knew that going to the license bureau was going to upset him; I knew that it was going to precipitate angry behavior. In a perfect world, I would have been understanding and patient. Neither the world nor I am perfect, so I reacted poorly to the situation. And you know what? I don’t even feel badly or guilty about it. I am tired of bearing the brunt of Alzheimer irrationality, and if that means losing my temper occasionally, so be it. Tomorrow is another day.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com 

©Copyright 2009 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2009 All Rights Reserved

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved