JOAN’S BLOG – THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2009 – A DOUBLE MELTDOWN

I have documented my emotional meltdowns and my husband's rages on this miserable Alzheimer’s journey in many blogs( just a sampling - click on Previous Blogs and look at #119, 121, 138, 139, 209, 214, and 231). I did not expect any problems on the lovely vacation cruise that he was looking forward to, but here I sit, recovering from yet another tornado, trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart.

I have learned, or I thought I had, what generally triggers a rage, and I have made sure those situations are avoided. This started innocently enough. We were sitting in the ship’s theater, waiting for the show to begin, when Teena Cahill came over to talk to me about doing more speaking engagements. My husband’s face changed, the anger started building, and he was extremely nasty to Teena, who is nothing but kind and helpful. He started to complain about what would happen to him if I left the house to work; that he would be in his “prison” because he’s not allowed to drive. She was able to diffuse the situation quickly, but his anger bubbled under the surface, and came out later in the evening. We were sitting with friends at the pool buffet, and he went on a tear - insulting, humiliating, and verbally abusing me – in front of our friends. I was beyond furious, not only at him, but at the advice I was forced to follow from all of my Alzheimer’s education, which was to ignore him. So I sat there, taking insult after insult. My friend later told me that he was “brutal.”

Trying to reason with him that evening was out of the question, so I tried the next morning. Two hours later, the result was that according to him, I deserved whatever he spewed at me. It was my fault because I betrayed him by taking his freedom away (driving) and nothing was going to change his mind.  I was absolutely reeling. I could not have hurt more if he had shot an arrow through my heart. Who was this person? Certainly not the husband I had known and loved for so many years prior to AD.  I was drained and shaking. After another hour, he said he was sorry he said things that hurt me, but he did it because he was angry, so it was justified.

We came home on Saturday to relative peace, although I was still fuming, and very worried about his outbursts and lack of control. On Monday, a minor incident set him off again – he was screaming at me (while I was driving in I-95 traffic) that if I was tired from working so much, it was my fault; I deserved any and all misery that came my way; he had no sympathy for me; and on and on and on. He could not stop. By this time, I was trying to control my own hysteria. The only way I could keep from losing complete control of my emotions was not to speak to him until the next day, which thankfully was our support group day.

By the time I was sitting in my support group, I was about ready to crack. I was in NO MOOD for the “Oh, it’s the Alzheimer’s talking. It’s not him” speech.

I am biased, but I think I have two of the best social workers on the planet. Those of you who came on the cruise met them. We discussed and agreed that the frontal lobe portion of Sid’s brain is now being attacked by the plaques and tangles, thus the uncontrollable outbursts, and that I needed to give him the Risperdal ASAP.

The other social worker talked to Sid for a long time – he loves and respects her, and she was able to get through to him. She told me that there is a fine line between “Oh, it’s just the Alzheimer’s talking,” and domestic abuse, and he crossed the line. She, too, recommended the Risperdal, and managed to convince him to take it. It is a small dose, which he took for the first time Wednesday afternoon. If it has no effect, we can always increase it a little.

I hate this disease. I hate how it has taken away my husband. I hate how it is making him behave like a vile stranger. I hate how it is taking his personality piece by piece. I hate how it is forcing me to build concrete walls around my heart in order to survive the emotional pain. If I had not started this website, which has allowed me to realize that so many spouses are going through the same trials as I, I think I would be in a padded cell by now.

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