JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4, 2008 – WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT NOW?

I am guessing there was time when Eve asked Adam to clean up the leaves, and his answer was, “I’ll get to it.”  A month later, when the leaves were piled up to Eve’s knees, she asked Adam again, and he said, “Why does everything have to be done NOW?”
I am figuring that is how far back that familiar scenario goes. Men vs. women.  Now vs. later.  HOWEVER, when Alzheimer’s Disease is involved, “I’ll get to it” takes on a whole different meaning. Before AD, I think that in my house, the “procrastination” was due to rebellion against me “asking” (telling?) my husband what to do and when to do it. SINCE AD, there may still be a bit of that rebellion (well, maybe a lot), but the “I’ll get to it” has turned into -He forgets it two minutes after I ask, so three hours, three days, three weeks later, the task (folding laundry, putting newly bought paper towels into the cabinet, etc.) is still sitting there. And when I ask him to please take care of it, the stock answer is, “Why do I have to do it when you want it done?” I USED to answer, “Because if you don’t do it when I ask, it never gets done.” (Probably not the most diplomatic answer, AD or not) I am giving myself some credit for learning the difference in his abilities and memory with Alzheimer’s Disease  in the picture, so now I answer, “Because you’ll forget if you don’t do it when I ask.”  Should I venture to say that answer does not have the Alzheimer experts’ seal of approval?
Today, a very wise social worker taught me an “approved answer”, which is – “When would you like to do it?” Whatever their answer is – now, before I go to bed, tomorrow, before the end of the week – write it down in their notebook  (you DO have that notebook, don’t you?) that they look at every day, and it will be one of the tasks that gets crossed off when it is done. The idea behind this is that it places the decision with them; it gives them the power to decide, rather than forcing them to react to your “command.” They are losing so much. In this, we can help in some small way to give them back a measure of control over their lives.
This situation and possible solution applies to the many of you who have written about your spouses in the MCI stage, or early Alzheimer stage. This may also seem inconsequential to those of you dealing with incontinence and end stage issues, but I try to vary my Blogs to apply to all different stages.  Issues at each stage are important to those who are in the throes of them at the time. Those of us who have been at one stop along the journey, can give advice to those of us who are heading in that direction, and will find that stop soon enough.

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