JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, NOVEMBER 10/11, 2010 –MY DIMINISHING PATIENCE

The  Alzheimer  journey for the person suffering in the grip of this dreaded disease is not a straight path. There are steep declines, plateaus, small declines, circular trails, good days, bad days, and if they are lucky, months of stabilization before the next decline. The emotions of the Alzheimer Spouse follow the same winding path. Looking back on the last four years, my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride so perilous that I have been left battered and nauseous.

There was the beginning – not understanding what caused the drastic personality change from a man of compassion, reason, and total willingness to lovingly compromise any issue we faced to an unrecognizable, irrational, rigid, nasty stranger. I experienced emotional pain so deep that it was physical. I was doubled over with sobs from watching my marriage crumble and not knowing why.

There were Sid’s sudden volatile temper tantrums in response to minor irritations, that sent me into emotional shock.

There was the infamous driving issue that resulted in me screaming, arguing, crying, hyperventilating, and experiencing stress attacks so severe I could not breathe. His insults, taunting, and violent, dark rages wounded me so deeply, I did not think I would ever recover. I doubt that I have.

Since our move to the Independent Living Neighborhood last year, things have quieted down, and we have been living in  relative peace. I know better than to ever let down my guard and rest easily. I should  be the vigilant warrior, never fully asleep, always ready for the next battle. But I did let my guard down, and now I am caught up in strife, confusion, and turmoil.

There is no doubt that my husband is experiencing another decline. His memory is getting worse – he now cannot tell me any details about a telephone conversation even as his hand has just hung up the phone. His ability to make simple decisions, understand TV plots, explain how he feels both physically and emotionally, and use even the most simple, basic logic have all taken a noticeable plunge. He is aware of it, which is making him defensive and combative. And I am not handling it well.

Instead of using my considerable therapy background, logic, and the advice I have received and dispensed for the last four years, I am reacting emotionally to his declines, combativeness, and sullenness. I find myself yelling at him for repeating the same statements every single day, as I mentioned in a recent message board post. In that post, one of our members wisely advised me, since I already know what his question will be, as I have heard it repeatedly, I should simply answer it before he asks. That would save me the aggravation of listening to it for the 20th time, and him the anxiety of being reminded of his repetitiveness.

I desperately need to re-orient myself. I must remember that it is not his fault. It is my job to live in his world; understand what is going on in his head; react with patience and kindness.  I understand the necessity and wisdom of that. I do.

But what about me?  I have lost the love of my life, and am reminded of it every single minute of every single day, as I try to deal with the man who has replaced him. I am reacting by being testy, impatient, and downright grumpy. And I am sick to death of putting his needs ahead of mine because of his illness. So there. I have said what I suppose many spouses would like to say.

I will now pick myself up, dust myself off, and try to find my patience and kindness again. I know I left it around here somewhere.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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