JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – MARCH 31/APRIL 1, 2012 – DESPAIR

During my forced absence due to computer problems, I have experienced a variety of incidents that have elicited a wide array of emotions. Resignation, despair, sadness, and detachment are a few of them. Today I would like to focus on despair. It is not an upbeat topic to be sure, but if I am to be honest, I cannot always express an upbeat attitude if that is not what I feel.

We have often discussed how our lives as Alzheimer Spouses have forced us to morph from “couples” mode into “caregiver” mode. We are envious of older couples we see who still have the loving “connection” that comes from decades together; we are envious of their health, ability to experience travel, adventures, and every day conversation; we are envious of their friendship and partnership. Last weekend, I attended an event that crushed me with the realization that I will never again experience this normal part of marriage with my husband of 41 years.

On a night when I should have been celebrating the fact that my husband and I were enjoying dinner and a musical show, I was, instead, overcome with despair at the turn our lives have taken. As we were eating dinner with our Alzheimer couple friends, and their non-Alzheimer couple friends, I was struck by the chemistry between the non-Alzheimer couple. They were playful with one another, engaged in what each was saying,  and talked about their plans for travel. In stark contrast, I was telling my Alzheimer husband that, no, he could not order a baked potato AND French fries as his two ‘sides’. The unease started to settle over me.

When we entered the auditorium, I was faced with hundreds of non-Alzheimer “over 55” couples who were talking and making plans with friends for a multitude of activities. During the show, as the music became louder, and surrounded by “normal”couples, I felt the walls closing in on me, crushing my future with Sid, leaving me alone and adrift to find my own way in the world, no longer part of the “us” that had been my joy for so many years. I could not focus on the beautiful music. My heart was swirling with despair. I was enveloped in it. I have never felt it so completely before those minutes.

Yes, I should have been concentrating on the fact that Sid and I are still able to go out to a dinner and show. I was, instead, suffocating with the despair of what we were not able to do. I understand that is counterproductive, but it is what I felt at the time, and I cannot change my feelings.

Although it was a devastating experience for me, I have since reigned in my emotions and am carrying on without dwelling on the despair. I know that it will pop up again at odd moments, probably when least expected. I cannot change that either. It is there, under the surface, and it will remain with me most likely long after my Alzheimer journey has ended. That is part of being an Alzheimer spouse.

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