JOAN'S BLOG - WED/THUR, APRIL 14/15, 2010 - DECLINE AND ADAPT

At the end of last week, my husband told me that he knows he is getting worse. He said he knows that he cannot keep a thought in his head, and he is depressed about it. In the past week, we have had four incidents that demonstrated to both of us how much he is declining, and how I must adapt to the changes.

Because I like to allow him to do what he can for himself, I do not wait on him. There is always a big bowl of salad in the refrigerator. On this particular day, I was going out to do a few errands, and I left some tuna fish in a small zip lock bag ON TOP OF THE SALAD BOWL. I told him to put the tuna in the salad for lunch. Upon returning, I saw an empty soiled bowl in the den, so I knew he had eaten. When I opened the refrigerator, the bag of tuna fish was still sitting on the shelf. When I questioned him, he said he forgot to add the tuna to his salad. I knew then that I would have to make up his salads and proteins for him.

He INSISTS that he never forgets to lock the front door when he comes in from getting the mail or newspaper. Three times last week I found the door unlocked after he had been outside. I told him about it once, but the dejection in his voice and anger at himself, convinced me not to mention it again. I will just check the door when he comes in.

He obviously cannot make driving or financial decisions, but he still deserves the option of making simple decisions. He feels humiliated when I tell him what to do in every situation, so I asked him two days ago if he wanted to go on the fishing trip Saturday morning with the ALF or to the Marketplace to help (his friend) with his dog treat business. He said he needed time to think about it. After a few hours, I asked again, and he told me he could not make up his mind – that I should ask tomorrow. Tomorrow came. I asked. He could not make up his mind. A few hours later, I asked again. No answer. I finally told him that this would be one of the last weekends he could go to the marketplace because the weather would be getting too hot, so call (his friend) and tell him you are coming with him on Saturday. He called. From now on, I will offer one choice, and ask for a yes or no, until the time comes when I will simply have tell him what he is going to do.

Today he went to a friend’s house to watch movies. I sent him with a packed lunch. When I picked him up 4 hours later, we got into the car, and he said to me – “Did I bring a lunch? I think it’s still in the refrigerator.”  “You didn’t EAT?”, I screamed. (I can’t be patient ALL of the time, you know.) He said he had some apple pie, but he forgot about his lunch. Not the best option for a diabetic. Now I know that when I send him somewhere with a lunch, I will have to call to remind him to eat it.

Decline and adapt. Decline and adapt. To see him decline is hurtful to both of us. To know how much of my help he needs to function fills me with sorrow  .

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