JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG, FEBRUARY 6/7, 2010 –IN HONOR OF THE PASSING OF DAVE HOWE - REPRINT OF HIS ESSAY “LIVING IN AN EVIL FOG”/ARTISTIC EXPRESSION OF DEMENTIA BY WILLIAM UTERMOHLEN

Dave Howe, the husband of our member, Betsy Howe, passed away this week from complications related to Alzheimer’s Disease. Just as Tracy Mobley’s Monday blog (see below), gave us the effect of family denial from the perspective of the person who is living with dementia, Dave’s essay “Living in an Evil Fog” gave us his perspective on living in the world of dementia.

LIVING in an Evil Fog
                                               By David  & Elizabeth (Betsy) Howe
My family and friends ask how I am doing. The answer usually is “fine.” I am doing fine overall. Very few ask what this condition feels like. It feels like living in an evil fog.
A fog is something all can understand. ‘I’ am inside. I can see out. I ‘know’ who I am and what I should be able to do. I ‘know’ what I want to say. But the fog envelops me. It holds me in its evil grasp. It keeps me from doing all I know I could before.
The fog is like a demon from a horror movie. It pulls me deeper and deeper into itself. It pulls me farther and farther away from my ‘outside’ life. It makes my body less responsive and capable. It keeps my thought inside and won’t let me send them out to the world.
The fog never goes away. The fog just sucks me in deeper and deeper, day by day, farther and farther from what should be my life. It’s hard to watch myself leaving. It’s hard for my wife and family to watch me leaving. I know that. I see that.
My wife and I do not dwell on what is gone. We focus on what is left. Much is left. It is comforting to have great friends and family who care. Out friends continue to socialize with us, even though I get quieter and quieter. The right words more often won’t come out of the fog. The fog grabs my ideas as they form and pulls them back into its evil clutches. By then the conversation has moved on without me.
The fog slows time for me and speeds up the outside world. Everything seems to move faster. I seem to keep moving slower. I daily trudge through a fog as thick as molasses. It sometimes gets exhausting and I must take a break with ‘no brain’ things like reading or watching TV, but every now and then even reading or watching TV is exhausting.
Sound depressing? My wife and I are doing great at accepting and not being depressed. ‘What is’ is ‘what is’. I cannot change it. No one can change it. My wife helps me continue to me ‘me.’ She helped me put together this article to share with you.
I hope that as the fog grows denser and pulls me farther and farther away, my friends and family will remember ‘me.’ I hope they will continue to talk to ‘me’ even when they can no longer see the ‘me’ clutched deep within the fog.

Our condolences go out to Betsy and her family.

For another perspective on living with dementia through artistic expression, rather than the written word, please click here for self portraits by the artist William Utermohlen, as he paints his way through his dementia journey. When the page loads, look in the top right corner to advance the pictures. You may also click here for the blog and complete article link.

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