JOAN’S BLOG – TUES/WED. OCTOBER 6/7, 2009 – AT A CROSSROAD

When the sadness overwhelmed me this weekend (see blog below), I started to do a lot of thinking.

In spite of what many believe, I HAVE accepted that my husband “left” me four years ago, and is still “leaving” bit by bit every day. I HAVE accepted that he will not return. It becomes more apparent every day, as his confusion increases and memory decreases.

Conversation suffers – it gets tedious and counterproductive trying to explain the meaning of every sentence spoken. Simple cooperative tasks – you take the picture down; I’ll tape the hook to the back- become an exercise in memory and patience. He doesn’t remember what I said. I don’t have the patience to keep repeating it.

And make no mistake about it – watching his frustration and own realization of his limitations is heart wrenching. It tears my heart to shreds to see a man who, in my idolizing eyes, could do ANYTHING, struggling to understand and remember my directions; trembling under the stress of lifting a picture; and ultimately, feeling demoralized in the face of such decline.

So I have been thinking. He is not coming back. We both know it. I am no longer trying to make that happen. He is trying to hold onto the abilities and cognition he has, but he knows it is a losing battle. We are at a crossroad.  Where do we go from here? How do we live the rest of this journey so both of us can experience some measure of contentment?

We do it by me slipping the memories of my husband into the recesses of my mind and heart, and letting this new person be who he is. I cannot expect him to do the things he used to do; to be the person he used to be; to respond to me and to life the way he used to respond to both. I can only help this new person through the rest of this most difficult journey by not demanding more than he can give or do. I can help him by providing activities for him. I can help both of us by making sure we continue to enjoy social events with friends, and quiet time with each other for as long as possible.

He cannot live in my world. I cannot live in his world, for surely I will die there. I have no choice but to continue to carve out a new life for myself. It is an exciting life of writing, advocacy, educating others, meeting new people, traveling. It is a life I wish I could have shared with him, but we were not offered that option.

I do not feel that life has treated us any less fairly than anyone else going through a life crisis. Everyone has them. We were not singled out. I am doing the best I can with what I was given.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: At a Crossroad

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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