JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, JUNE 2, 2008 – “The Country of AD” – A Poem by our reader that says it all.

For almost a year now, I have written a series of Blogs every week that chronicle the emotional pain, fear, anger, resentment, love, and yes, lessons, of this AD journey that my husband and I have been forced to take.
Your comments on the Message Boards have mirrored my emotions and experiences, and we have helped one another understand and cope with each new stage and behavior.
One of our readers, who has graciously shared her poems with us before, has written a piece that expresses every stage and emotion, powerfully and movingly in one condensed poem.  It says it all:

THE COUNTRY OF AD

My sweetheart and I have been on a long journey,
This journey has been in the country of AD.
We were not willing tourists in this country and at first thought
We would perhaps only be there for a short visit
For the doctors we saw were not sure that the memory
Lapses were indicative of a forced move to
This God forsaken land. 
The memory lapses were gradually accompanied
By inappropriate cognitive thinking and reasoning,
And my intelligent, quick witted, man no longer
Could do even the simplest of household tasks.
He became lost while driving in a familiar neighborhood,
So I took over that  as well as other responsibilities. 
In our quest for an answer to this frightening enigma,
We found a doctor doing research in this behavior,
At last we had our diagnosis but we now
Were  officially exiled to this country of 
No return.
At first, the exile was not unpleasant,
My mate could still converse socially with me beside him
to supply words and clues to
Keep us from embarrassing faux pas,
He still had acceptable table manners, and although
More quiet than in previous encounters
With friends and acquaintances his
Behavior was normal.
But gradually his memory was simply not present
Anymore,
His ability to reason and think logically was gone.
My man was disappearing and a stranger was emerging.
Chapter Two
(Country of AD)
I now knew that our life as a couple was no more,
My beloved stranger’s bodily functions were
Regressing and the embarrassment for him
Was huge.
I discerned that our residence in this country
Was no longer a visit
But was a permanent home and I
Began to learn the laws of this new environment .
The persons relegated to this desert abode
Did not improve, they just faded away as another stranger began his
Permanent appearance in their familiar body.
A stranger who although appearing to be the
Loved one ,
Had no memory of our life together and was distant  and almost
Unfeeling ,
Behavior began to be erratic and my loved one could fly into
A rage and hostility would be visable in his habitually
Vacant gaze.
This was no longer my soul mate, but someone I
No longer knew.
Chapter Three
Country of AD
As time passed, the rages disappeared to be replaced
By silence.
Verbal communication was non existent, even though
My love struggled to speak coherently,
His memory for his family was sometimes present
And then sometimes I knew he did not recognize us.
Gradually his ability to walk was weakened
And he sat in a wheelchair most of the day.
Chapter Four
The Country of AD

AS This country of AD became my permanent home,
I realized that if I were to survive,
I would have to put that fierce desire and longing
For our past home and life into my secret place
Of memories,
Even though every fiber of my being longed  to
Remain in the limbo of artificial reality, I
Knew that the paths of our lives had sometime ago
Taken divergent directions.
For awhile I felt the added burden of  guilt,
Guilt that I was abandoning my dear one in
This land of death.
That too became such a burden in my psyche that
To live I had to come to a realization that even
If I sacrificed myself to the luxury of self denial,
My dear ones’ life would not change,
His destiny was forged in the world of dementia
And the destination was death in this world.
So reluctantly I packed my memories in the 
Locked secret   innermost part of my being,
And departed for the land of the survivors.
I left the country of AD;
I left one souvenir for my sweet, sweet husband,
I left him my heart…
©2008 Joyce Yates

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