JOAN’S BLOG – THUR/FRI, APRIL 19/20, 2012 – DEALING WITH CAREGIVER DEPRESSION

Before I begin, I want to thank everyone for their concern during my recent illness. Although it was nothing particularly serious – a sinus infection, cough, and painful ears – it did exhaust me and have me down for almost 2 weeks. A strong dose of antibiotics, much needed bed rest, and I am almost back to normal. During this time, I did write about my increased depression, and I received many e-mails of concern and support. I have had quite a bit of time to think about the depression situation, and I would like to address it in today’s blog.

No one should question why I, or any spousal dementia caregiver may be depressed. Working, thinking, decision making, doing every financial and physical household chore, and taking care of the demented spouses’ every physical, emotional, and mental need, while being isolated from friends and the outside world, AND doing so without your life partner to share the burden, is enough to make anyone depressed. It is certainly doing a number on me, and from the reports I receive about caregivers and anti-depressants, I would say I am not alone. As always, I am hoping that my experience and imperfect, but valiant attempt at lifting my spirits, will help those reading this.

Since I have been in a deep depressive fog for at least a month, I started to think about what can be done to relieve it besides raising my Zoloft dose. Not that I am against raising medication doses when needed, but I already do not like the way it dulls my feelings. I do not wish to end up a totally insensate Zombie.

While I was thinking about what other than a pill could relieve my depression,  in an act of outright defiance, foregoing all work, errands, and important phone calls, I took my depressed self to the beach Wednesday morning after dropping Sid at Day Care, sat on the dock, and mulled over my situation. Then, in an act of pure self-indulgence, I went to get a manicure.  

While getting my nails done, my manicurist was relaying a funny story about the ducklings she and her husband gave to their 6 year old son. I found myself responding with questions and laughter. My spirits lifted immediately. That is when it occurred to me that I do not need stronger Zoloft; I need stronger inter-personal non-Alzheimer connections.

My illness prevented me from attending my non-Alzheimer Mahjong group this week. That void, coupled with a head that felt like a dizzy bowling ball, sneezing, coughing, and sleeping, with no one to even bring me a cup of tea, while I still had to attend to my husband’s needs, helped me to understand my increasing depression.

Although living in the Independent Villas is where I need to be at this time of my caregiving life, I am like a lone woman in a wagon train surrounded by Indians, only in my case, I am the lone woman in a community surrounded by 90 year olds on walkers. No offense to 90 year olds, but looking out of my window and only seeing people hobbling slowly on walkers, or being pushed in wheelchairs, can be quite depressing. Not to mention the ambulance that is carting away one neighbor or another at least once a week. Going next door to the ALF to check on my father, and seeing memorial pictures of 11 residents who have died in the last 3 months is not mood lifting.

So, yes, I have been depressed lately, and my prescription is not more medication. It is to try to escape out of the world of the infirm, aged, and demented for more than my 2-hour Mahjong game once a week. It is to get out and mingle with people my own age who have nothing to do with dementia. How I am to accomplish this is a bit of a problem, to be sure, but my sister is coming for a visit in less than a month, and she is determined to “tweak” my schedule to find me more non-Alzheimer time.

It is important to me that everyone understand that I love running this website. I love writing, researching, and helping others through this miserable journey. It is also my best support system. I have no intention of stopping. It gives me great satisfaction. However, being totally surrounded by, and immersed in illness, dementia, and the elderly, while taking care of my mentally and physically disabled husband is not healthy for me.  Therefore, I am seeking balance. I am looking for a hole in the circle around my wagon train – so I can sneak out for more than a weekly 2 hour Mahjong game. And still attend to all of my important caregiving and household duties. Good luck to my sister in working out that schedule.

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