JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, FEBRUARY 3/4, 2010 – COPING ALONE

Recently I wrote about how I tried to wean myself off of my anti-depressant, which turned out not to be the best idea I have ever had. I started thinking about it, and felt like a failure. After all, my husband’s vile insults, rages, and tantrums have stopped. Our life is as settled as it can be, given the AD circumstances. We have friends and activities. And I have weathered some very serious emotional, medical, and family crises in my life without relying on a pill to get me through. So what is wrong with me now that I cannot handle this situation without that little white pill?

Such a simple answer. Because in all of those other crises, I had a partner to share the burdens. No matter what happened – the cancer death of my mother; financial meltdowns; a seriously troubled teenage son; a life threatening illness – my husband and I leaned on one another and helped each other through. I always knew that no matter what life gave us, as long as he was by my side, we would weather the storm together. It was if we were enfolded in a double sized cloak of love and support. “Us” battling life’s adversities.

Now I do not have that support. My storm shelter has been destroyed by Alzheimer’s Disease, and I am standing alone with the wind and rain pounding me from every direction . My partner cannot help me to cope with the changes AD has brought to him and our relationship, because it is the AD that has rendered him incapable of helping. It is a vicious cycle. A Catch-22, I guess.

We, the spousal caregivers, handle the financial decisions alone; the medication; medical, insurance, home repair, and family decisions alone. It is not that we are not capable of doing so. Of course we are. It is that life is so much sweeter with a loving partner to share the decisions. Instead, we have the added pain of trying to cope – alone - with the dwindling mental and physical capacity of our spouses, along with all the other responsibilities and stress.

That is my conclusion as to why I started to fall apart without the little white pill. Maybe some of you have a different idea on why so many spouses who never needed those anti-depressants before, now cannot function well without them.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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