JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE., JULY 23/24, 2012 – CONFUSED EMOTIONS

It is odd how we forget so many incidents from our childhood, yet remember others so clearly. Lately, I have been thinking about an assignment my 8th grade English teacher gave us – Write a poem about what it feels like to be a teenager. I was then, and am now, terrible at poetry. Prose is my forte, but I recall giving it my best shot, and for some reason, the first line of the poem stuck with me all of these years – “A teenager’s life is happy, sad, and in between”.  I do not remember the specific words of the rest of it, but the theme was that it was confusing to be a teenager, because our emotions were constantly changing, and it seemed we had no control over them.

Why has that poem suddenly been on my mind? Because I am experiencing a mixture of opposing emotions as an Alzheimer Spouse. I am unable to control them, and they are confusing and upsetting my emotional balance, which is precarious to begin with.

By the end of a week of lugging Sid’s wheelchair in and out of the car, waiting on him day and night, doing everything in the house, physically and mentally, answering the same questions hundreds of time, explaining every sentence that comes out of my mouth, and listening to him whine and complain that he is unable to do anything for himself anymore, I am ready to throw in the towel and look for placement. I have never known such mental and physical exhaustion.

Then I think about our long life together, who he was before Alzheimer’s Disease crippled his mind, and Diabetes crippled his body. I think about the laughter, the closeness, the love, and I do not know how I could live apart from him. And then the guilt sets in. I do not have to dress and feed him – he is slow at those tasks, but he is able to do them. I do not have to shave him – he is slow and spotty in that task, but he accomplishes it on his own. How can I be so selfish? Others have it much worse and do much more than I do.

Then I have a night like Saturday. We were simply going to a local restaurant with friends, and over to their house after we ate. How easy is that? It turns out, not so easy. It takes him a good 15 minutes to make it from the den to inside the car, while I am lifting the wheelchair into the car. Do the math. How many times did I have to lug the wheelchair in and out of the car to get him from our house, to the restaurant, back into the car, to our friends’ house, and into the house? Because they have one step up into the house, it took another 15 minutes for him to step up with 2 people holding him, to get into the house and into the wheelchair. An hour later,  he started to fall asleep, so we repeated the process, trying to get him out of the house and down the step. By the time we got home, I was wiped out, and he was grumpy. Because he was tired and in pain, I waited on him the rest of the night. That is when I began to again question how long I can keep this up.

Per orders of the PT and orthopedic, he is supposed to get up onto his walker in the house and do little things for himself, such as getting a drink out of the refrigerator or warming up leftovers in the microwave. When I mention that, he cries that he can’t, that I don’t understand, and that I don’t want to do anything for him, so “why don’t you just put me away?”  I have learned there is no sense in arguing with him, or trying to make him realize how much I do for him, because, as we always say, the reasoning button is broken. Besides, when he does say he will try to do more for himself, he forgets the conversation within minutes.

But then when I think about placement, my heart tells me he is still too cognizant of everything, and how could I possibly do that to him? To us? I go back and forth – I’m going to die from exhaustion and stress; no, I’m just not as strong as other caregivers who are older than me and do so much more. But I am so tired. But, but, but. I am confused and upset.

May I add that I do not like being so confused? The confusion in itself is throwing me off balance. What a mess.

Tomorrow, a case manager from Medicaid is coming to assess Sid’s needs. According to what I was told, he is eligible for in-home help. Maybe that will ease the burden, and I can stop stressing over placement.

Everyone seems to place their spouses long after they should have. I am wondering if there is anyone who placed their spouse BEFORE they needed to be placed and how that worked out. Please post comments and suggestions on the MESSAGE BOARD: Joan’s Blog – Confused Emotions.

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©Copyright 2012 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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