JOAN’S BLOG – Monday, March 31, 2008 – PART II OF CONFERENCE INFORMATION – ANGER MANAGEMENT

As I mentioned in Part I (see Blog below), we have dealt with the subject of anger on various occasions, but the presenter at last Thursday’s “Day of Hope” Caregiver Conference organized and condensed it into a very concise, clear, easily manageable package.

Let me first clarify, that in this case, we are not talking about our general anger at what this disease has done to our lives. That is a different subject - click here for We've Been Robbed by AD.  We are talking about getting ANGRY AT OUR SPOUSES FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR. Yes, we know their irritating behaviors are not their fault, but we are not saints, and we often get frustrated, angry, and lose our tempers when faced with their tantrums, repeated questions, obsessive behavior, embarrassing behavior, stubbornness, inability to reason, and the list goes on.  So here is the gerontology counselor’s primer on Anger Management.

We know that Alzheimer’s Disease has made it impossible for our spouses to change. Only we can change our responses to their behavior. So just how are we supposed to change our responses from anger to calm? I am the messenger on this one – I have given one suggestion a try, and it worked. I will keep you updated on the rest of my attempts.

Be aware of what spurs your anger – make a list and divide it into two parts – those behaviors that you cannot ignore and send your blood pressure into the stratosphere, and those which can be “let go.”  You know all of the clichés – “Don’t sweat the small stuff”; “Pick your battles”; “Accept what you cannot change.” Those go on the “let go” side. According to our speaker, we are just going to have to lower our expectations of our spouses’ ability to control their behavior, and put more on the “let go” side. Since every caregiver spouse and every AD spouse is different, we have to find what works for us individually. It seems to me, from reading the Message Boards and e-mails, that many of you are ahead of me in this area. I think I am doing better.

1. Try to turn anger into laughter with humor and self-games – Some spouses, including myself, get furious when the same question is asked every 10 minutes. Instead of blowing up at your spouse – “How many times are you going to ask me the same question?????” – she suggested making a little game of it to yourself. Hmmmm – just how many times HAS he/she asked that question? I think I’ll make a guess as to how many it will be by the end of the day, keep a tally, and if I guess correctly, I’ll have a piece of chocolate (Those of you who know me by now, know that the chocolate idea was mine!). This sounds silly, of course, but if it diffuses your anger, it’s worth a little silliness.
2. Good enough for now” solutions. I’m always trying to find solutions that will solve the problem once and for all. Our speaker suggested to do whatever works “for now”. I can only give you an example of my own. We went to Friday night’s Beach Boys concert with another couple from our support group friends. Sid and his friend are OBSESSED with rules. OBSESSED. There were about 10,000 people at this outdoor concert, all with lawn chairs set up on the grass. Some people blocked pathways through the “aisles” with their blankets or more chairs. That’s against the rules – Sid loudly fussed and complained so much that he and his friend went off to look for a policeman. Ordinarily, I would have gotten angry at his behavior, fumed , and forced him to sit down and be quiet. He would have pouted, complained loudly, and made rude remarks to everyone. Result – both of us would have had a miserable time. Instead, I took a cue from my friend, who has perfected the art of “letting go” and “good enough for now” solutions. We just ignored them, let them go off to look for a policeman, and we sat comfortably in our lawn chairs. (They had a perfect specific vendor tent landmark as to where we were sitting, and neither is at the point of not being able to find a landmark back to the chairs, so we were not concerned about that. And we had cell phones.) They never did find the policeman, and by the time they returned, the rule offenders had removed their chairs and blankets. My anger was diffused with a “good enough for now” solution of letting him fume, fuss, and look for a policeman.
3. A good support system – Everything always comes back to this. We need as much support from as many professionals, friends and family, and agencies as possible. Use respite when you need it; ask for help when you need it; seek out professional assistance when you need it. We cannot do this alone. The more alone and isolated we are, the less able we are to deal with the behaviors that make us angry.  
4. The Final List – Try to follow these few simple steps in attempting to manage your anger:

        Accept reality – We’re living with AD. It is what it is, and we can’t change it.
      Conserve your energy – choose to dwell on only the most anger provoking important issues.
       Cut yourself some slack – forgive yourself when you get angry – YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!

I hope this was of some help to you. It was to me, especially the humor part. My big test will be at the end of this week, when we head up to Rhode Island for a long weekend – we’re going up to celebrate my father’s 90th birthday, AND help them get settled into their new Assisted Living Facility. A lot of traveling; a lot of relatives; a lot of routine change. And a bunch of relatives telling me – “I don’t see anything wrong with him. He seems fine to me.” I’m going to have to really work on the humor part for that one.

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