JOAN’S CHRISTMAS BLOG – DECEMBER 23, 2013 – THE BEST GIFT – PAYING IT FORWARD

Much has been written on a variety of caregiving websites, including my own Holiday Stress Relief Tips, about what is an appropriate present for a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease and the caregiving spouse. This year, an incident occurred that made me think about what it means to “give”.

As most of you know, I live in an Independent Living Villa as part of a Continuing Care Community. Most of the residents, even in the Independent Villas, are at least 20 – 25 years older than me, which places them in the 85-90+ year old range. The neighbors to the right of me are an elderly couple, who found love with each other after their respective spouses died. They have been together for about 17 years. For privacy purposes, I will refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. This year has seen major health challenges for both of them. Mr. has been in and out of the hospital for respiratory issues for months, and was finally placed on in-home Hospice a couple of weeks ago. Mrs. is legally blind, cannot drive, and has endured painful hip and knee problems.

Mrs. has always been friendly, comforting, helpful, and meticulous about decorating for the holidays. Her grandchildren come and under her expert direction, turn the front of her villa into a Halloween Horror Show; Valentine love fest; Christmas wonderland; and so forth. This year, I noticed that there were no Christmas decorations, and when I saw her at the AL Christmas Bazaar, she told me that she was depressed because Mr. had been placed on Hospice, and she had nothing to look forward to. I did not say much at the time, because the Bazaar was not a venue conducive to conversation.

As I was pulling into my driveway this week, I happened to see her outside, and thought it would be a good time to talk. I went up to her, put my hand on hers, and asked her how she was doing. I told her that I knew she was feeling depressed and asked if there was anything I could do to help her. That is when she opened up to me.

She told me that Mr. had been demonstrating signs of dementia and she was a terrible person for the way she was handling it. She was short tempered with his endless questions, resentful that not only could they no longer travel, but he would not even go to activities at the AL anymore. All he wanted to do was sit and watch TV. She said she did not know how to handle his mood swings, his anger at her, or her own anger at the situation.

I told her that what she was feeling was “normal” for the most abnormal of situations, and that almost ALL spouses of dementia patients had experienced her emotions at one time or another. I assured her that she was not a “terrible” person. We talked at length about how to handle the dementia behaviors, with me emphasizing that I could only tell her what we were “supposed” to do, not that we did it easily or without resentment.

She thanked me over and over again for making her feel better. She said what we on this website all say and know – that to know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings make them more bearable.

I went away from our talk feeling warm and satisfied that I had given her the best I had to give - my knowledge, experience, and understanding. I had “paid it forward”, and I realized that was the most precious gift of all.

If you know an Alzheimer/dementia spouse who is struggling, give them the gift of your understanding. It will mean the world to them.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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