JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, MAY 22, 2009 – CHEWED OUT BY THE PSYCHIATRIST

I am still reeling  from the scolding I received from Sid’s psychiatrist yesterday. As always, Sid was asked how he was doing. As is also ALWAYS the case, he said, “Fine.” I prodded him a bit, and told him that the doctor was the one to whom he could rant and rave about his “loss of independence” issues. “I haven’t been doing it in awhile”, he said. “I’m fine.”

Excuse me for my boldness, but I thought it was necessary for me to advise the doctor of what was truly going on. I proceeded to explain that he forgets what he says, when he says it, and what other people say to him. Until I gently revealed it to him this week, he was not aware that he was driving other people crazy with his endless rants. I explained that I was concerned that he would lose his social network if he did not put a stop to his obsessive complaining. I did not want to see him more hurt and alone than he already is.

That’s when the scolding started. I was told in no uncertain terms that he was an adult; that I should not treat him like a child; that it was his problem if he annoyed people. Let him deal with it. I should stop trying to control him, and let him handle his problems himself. I had to stop “harping” on him to lay off the driving ranting. I must interject that in asking him to not annoy other people, I never “harped” on him. I was calm, quiet, and gentle, and only mentioned it once before we saw the doctor. And did I miss something here? Doesn’t this man have Alzheimer’s Disease? Doesn’t he NOT KNOW or REMEMBER what he says? Doesn’t he NOT REALIZE that everyone is sick of listening to him complain?  Doesn’t he forget what the psychiatrist says as soon as we get to the car? Except that I should leave him alone. He remembered that.

I was told that my arguing with him was only making him angry. Well, yes, I can see that, WHICH IS WHY I DON’T ARGUE WITH HIM ANYMORE. I learned that lesson well, and when he goes off on a rant, I ignore him. I have been adhering to that rule for months. Which, by the way, MAKES HIM ANGRY.

I was admonished for trying to “control” him, and that I should leave him alone and let him deal with the consequences of his actions by himself. Very good advice for someone whose husband DOES NOT HAVE ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE.
The session was ended by me being advised to get counseling (Which I am doing, by the way) and let my husband handle his own problems.

A year ago, I was guilty of a lot of those accusations. I was a control freak. I did argue. But I am capable of learning, and I have learned. No arguing. Let things go. You can’t control AD – go with the flow. I never call his attention to any household chore that is not done the way I would prefer; I never say anything anymore if he forgets to shut off a light or a fan, or put away something that needs to be refrigerated; I anticipate the simplest things that will set him off, and take care of it before he has a chance to blow up.  If I make a suggestion as to an easier way of doing something, and he resists, I do not interfere. I am not perfect. I slip up occasionally, but for the most part, I have left arguing, reasoning, and controlling, by the wayside as refuse that is ineffectual.

I might add that Sid disagreed with the doctor. He said I should tell him if his actions bother people. He said he has no recollection of when he does it, nor does he realize the time frame, which is why he does it so often.

So that was my day. I would like to hear from you. Should I let my husband deal with the consequences of his own actions and words? Keeping in mind of course, that he doesn’t remember his actions and words, but maybe I AM wrong. I surely will ask my own psychologist her opinion on this issue.

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