JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 2010 – CHANGING THE WAY YOU RELATE TO YOUR SPOUSE

Today’s blog was prompted because of a discussion on the message boards that I answered, but felt everyone whose spouse has been newly diagnosed could benefit from a more lengthy response. The discussion was started by a member who was trying to reason with her husband, diagnosed with MCI (Mild Cognitive Impairment) concerning buying property.

Recently, I heard someone say, after only 40 minutes of listening to advice by veteran AD caregivers, “ So what you are telling me is that I’m the one who has to change because she cannot?” 

Holy &*^%$#, I thought. I must be one slow learner. It took her 40 minutes to get what it took me 2 ½ years to finally come to terms with. Her swift understanding may be due to the fact that she was dealing with a parent, not a spouse. Changing your entire way of relating to a spouse is not only difficult, but heart wrenching, as each change erodes a piece of a long term, loving relationship. As I always say, “It’s different when it’s a spouse.”

I remember being angry with my social worker in the beginning, because every time I lamented over Sid pouting or throwing a tantrum, she would say, “Walk away. Ignore him.” I wanted to scream at her, but I more or less politely, voice breaking, said, “You don’t understand. He is my husband. I don’t want him to be hurt; We always talked things over and compromised our differences. I can’t walk away. He’s not a child. He’s my husband. If I walk away, part of our relationship will be destroyed.”

The social worker and all of those Alzheimer care giving friends who were farther along on the journey than I, tried to tell me that I had to change my way of relating to and dealing with him. I had to live in his world now. I had to understand how his brain was working. I had to give up and let go of our previous “partnership” relationship. It took me FOREVER to take that advice, and I only took it when Alzheimer’s Disease threatened to destroy my physical, mental, and emotional health. It had beaten me down and won. I either became the caregiver, not the wife, or I was going to end up in a padded cell from stress, anxiety, and a broken heart.

One of the most difficult lessons I had to learn, is that no matter how functional and normal they appear, their brain is damaged. Some days they may seem to have it all together, and be able to find the tax receipts, balance the checkbook, and appear to make a rational decision. Just as quickly, the circuits in their brain can misfire, and they become confused, cannot organize paperwork, and cannot make a rational decision. You CANNOT allow yourself to be fooled on the good days. Once their brain is impaired, it is not going to miraculously heal itself. You are going to have to be in charge of ALL decisions – financial, medical, family, safety, EVERYTHING.

That said, I also believe that no matter what a spouse is told in the beginning, they will come to terms with changing the way they relate to their AD spouse when they are ready. Some will “get it” sooner than others. I have a friend who went through her own stages rather quickly – denial, education, acceptance, and changing the way she related to her husband, all in less than a year.

Then there are those like me, who hold onto the past, make every futile attempt to bring back the spouse that was, and finally give up when we are so physically and mentally exhausted, we have no choice.

I am hoping that most of those dealing with a new diagnosis who are reading this, will come to terms with the “new” spouse sooner rather than later. It will make life easier on both of you.

I urge everyone whose spouse has been recently diagnosed with either MCI or AD, to read two of the best resources you will find anywhere, on the left side of the website- Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller and for those dealing with Young Onset – Early Onset Dementia, A Practical Guide.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

©Copyright 2010 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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