JOAN’S BLOG – Monday/Tuesday, April 28/29, 2008 – REMEMBERING AND CARING FOR THE POSITIVES IN YOUR SPOUSE

No one of us, least of all me, is going to say it is easy to become the parent/teacher/nurse , to the partner who has been your lover, emotional support, friend, and soul mate for most of your adult life. It shreds your heart and soul to find yourself living with an irrational, rebellious, raging, forgetful, cognitively impaired stranger, who happens to look just like the spouse you have loved. Some of your spouses have not exhibited the rages, but have become quiet and docile. That has to be better than living on an earthquake fault line, but it is still not the spouse you know.

However, another piece of advice I took from Dr. Teena Cahill’s lecture last Friday (see Blog below), was to “remember who they were and care for that part of them.”  Constant caregiving is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. When you are caring for your spouse, whose behavior and abilities are so far removed from the person they were, it is extremely difficult to hold onto loving emotions. We know that translates into guilt. We do not need to pile guilt on top of exhaustion and emotional pain. What we need to do, according to Dr. Cahill, is remember who our spouses were when we fell in love with them. Remember the strength, intelligence, humor, love, and support that made them who they were. Care for that person as you know they would care for you.

With that in mind, when our patience is tested to the limit; when we are stressed to the breaking point; aggravated beyond words; and exhausted enough to drop; I would challenge us all to make a list of the special qualities and abilities our spouses have not yet lost; those qualities that still nurture our love. Is it a soft stroke on your cheek; a successful attempt at the laundry; words of support and thanks for your efforts; a moment of recognition (for those in the later stages) and expression of love; a bit of joking banter. Whatever it is, let’s recognize, appreciate, and celebrate any spark of the person we fell in love with. That is who we are caring for.  

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