JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8/9, 2009 – CAREGIVER POWER!

This week I wrote about the importance of caregivers forging a life of their own (see Tue/Wed. blog below) while they are still care giving, in order to avoid being swallowed up by what I call “consumptive care giving”. That is when one expends all one’s energy on caring for another’s needs, and loses oneself in the process.

That loss of self becomes apparent when the caring journey is over, and one is left with the empty (and clichéd) feeling of “Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I have no interests of my own, no direction in life. What do I do, besides rattle around in an empty, lonely house?”

I did not make this up. These are words that have been spoken to me this week by not one, not two, but many women AND men . Some are widows/widowers; other’s are in the throes of care giving and are seeing the wisdom in the idea of “getting a life”.

Today, I am rallying the troops. You CAN DO THIS.  I will shoot down all of your objections:

Objection #1 -I have no time to develop a life of my own – all of my time is taken up with care giving. Solution: GET RESPITE, so you CAN have some time for yourself.

Objection #2 - I can’t afford respite. Solution: Tap into community resources. Even in these difficult economic times, there is help available if you know where to look and are persistent:
        Alzheimer’s Association – 800-272-3900 – Ask about free respite care in your area.
         Elder Care Locator (also located on left side of this website) Click this link to find services in your area.
         State Elder Affairs Office – Look up your state in Google and be patient – you may have to endure a bit of Voice Mail Hell before you get the right person.
         Memory Disorder Clinics in your area (Click here for partial list- also on left side of this website) – ask for their help in finding quality, affordable, or FREE respite care.

Objection #3 - I don’t remember who I was before. I don’t know what I would do with a life of my own. Solution – Come with me on a journey to the past. Close your eyes and remember what you dreamed of doing before life interfered. Did you have aspirations to be a nature photographer? Did you hope to be teacher? Did you want to paint, draw? What do you LOVE to do when you are not care giving? Everyone starts life with dreams, and it is NEVER too late to accomplish them.  For an interesting list of late blooming achievers, click here.

Whatever your interest, chances are good that your Community College has a course in it or your area has a club for it. (Many years ago, when I was between jobs, I joined a local chapter of Romance Writers of America – I got a job before I became the next bodice ripping novel writing sensation. Probably a good thing.) 

I am not encouraging you to aspire to become rich and famous (Although maybe some of you are harboring secret desires of fame and fortune!) I am encouraging you to develop a life of your own with activities or one special activity and friends that fill you with satisfaction and joy. And to get started on it NOW, while you are still in the care giving trenches. This will allow you to grieve when the care giving is over, but not be unmoored and confused about who you are and what meaning there is to your life.

You have the POWER , the ABILITY, and the RIGHT to a satisfying life of your own. Grab for it.

Everyone sit down now and write out a five-point plan for yourself:

1. Concentrate on what is still RIGHT with your relationship. Don’t dwell on what you have lost. You cannot get it back. Be grateful for a smile, a hug, a kind word from your spouse. And go forward with your life plan..
2. Give a lot of thought to who you are and what you like to do.
3. Reach out to people with similar interests – Community colleges; community clubs.
4. Get Respite to allow you to accomplish your goal.
5. JUST DO IT. 

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC:  Caregiver Power

Friday's Note: I've checked the message boards, and congratulations to those who have gotten on the "Caregiver Power" bandwagon. You are doing great - it feels wonderful, doesn't it?

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com 

©Copyright 2009 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2009 All Rights Reserved

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