JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – JULY 10/11, 2010 – CAREGIVER BLINDNESS

We complain all of the time that others do not see what we see concerning our spouses’ symptoms. “He/she looks fine to me”, said by friends and relatives can send a caregiving spouse running and screaming . “Sure, he/she LOOKS fine, but try living with them. Outsiders listen to a basic conversation by our spouses. They are unaware that the same spouse will forget everything that was said within minutes; will be confused and foggy at home; will ask the same question 20 times in one day; will not know where the closets are in the house, and on and on and on.

However, it has occurred to me lately, that I may also be somewhat blind to the extent of my husband’s symptoms. A few days ago, because of everything else I had to do first, I was forced to go to the grocery store late in the day at 5 PM. Sid had eaten a late lunch at 2 PM, so I did not think my leaving would be a problem. He could have dinner when I returned. Besides, dinner consists of heating up what was delivered by the ALF next door. He could do that himself if he got hungry. I came home at 6:30 PM, to his complaint that his stomach was growling, and he was very hungry. I could see sweat beads on his face, which indicated to me that his blood sugar was too low. I asked him why he did not go into the kitchen and get some crackers and cheese to tide him over. He looked at me blankly, and said, “I didn’t think of it.”

I was shocked. How could he not think about getting something to eat if he was hungry? Is his brain that foggy, and I just don’t realize it?

For three straight weeks, every morning, he watched me put his “boot” on his broken foot. I carefully let the air out, positioned his foot into it; put each strap in place starting from the toes up; then re-inflated the boot. Last Saturday, I had to leave early, so I told him to put the boot on himself to save me some time. 20 minutes later, I came into the bedroom, and he was sitting on the bed, with the boot undone. He was unable to figure out how to position the straps.

I was shocked. How could he not know how to put on that boot? He watched me carefully every day for three weeks. Is his brain that foggy, and I just don’t realize it?

Friday morning, I had to hurry him along, because I had water aerobics at 10 AM (Friday is the ONLY day I take to do something for myself, and I’m not missing that class); he had PT at 10:30, and I needed to have his boot on and his breakfast ready before I went to the pool. He knew that. I told him so. It took me 45 minutes to wash up, get dressed, eat breakfast, and set up his breakfast. He still was not in the kitchen. He was not even in the bedroom. He was still in the bathroom. When I inquired what was taking so long, he told me that his hair was dirty, and he just finished washing it. ???????????????  I do not want to know how he washed his hair without taking a shower. I repeated the same admonition I have been delivering since he broke his foot – that he is supposed to SIT to take a shower. But since he did not take a shower……… No, he told me that he stood to wash his hair, but stood on his heel, not the bottom of the foot where it is broken. Do I need to tell you how many times I have told him not to lean on his heel because he will break that too?  He finally sat down to breakfast with a sad, pouty face, and when I asked what was wrong, he said, in a hurt voice, “You snapped at me.”

I was shocked by the “no shower, hair washing incident”. What could he have been thinking? Is his brain that foggy, and I just don’t realize it?

My surprised reaction to these incidents is what made me question if anyone else suffers from such “caregiver blindness”.  I wonder if I am so used to what I think he is able to do, that I am missing the newer, bigger deficits. I don’t know. Based upon his public behavior, which could fool anyone into believing there is nothing wrong with him, I was beginning to think I was over-reacting, and seeing deficits that were not there. After experiencing these episodes, I am wondering if the opposite is true. Am I blind to the extent of his deficiencies? Am I too close to the situation, too overwhelmed, and too confused, to know whether I am over-reacting, under-reacting, or in a fog myself?

Has anyone else experienced “caregiver blindness”? MESSAGE BOARD: Joan' Weekend Blog - Caregiver Blindness.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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