You have come to a place of truth, support, and solutions to the distinctive issues and challenges faced by the spouses of Alzheimer patients. Please look on the left side of this page for all of the resources offered by this website. Then CLICK HERE for an introduction, information, and help on learning about, and coping with, Alzheimer's Disease.

JOAN’S COLUMBUS DAY WEEKEND BLOG – OCTOBER 8-10, 2011 – LEARNING THAT OUR SPOUSES CANNOT COMMUNICATE AND RESPOND AS WE EXPECT

Through my blogs, I try to enlighten and inform. I share my own experiences as an Alzheimer Spouse, in the hope that my readers will learn and benefit from my mistakes. Every Alzheimer lesson is learned through emotional stress, confusion, anger, and fighting the disease that is destroying our spouse and our relationship with them. Based upon my own experience, and the frustrated posts by newer members on the message boards, I think that learning the ropes of “Alzheimer Communication” is the one of the most difficult lessons of all, particularly in the beginning of the disease.

There are certain expectations in a communication partnership. One expects that the person with whom we are communicating:

Understands what we are saying.

Correctly interprets what we mean.

Correctly processes the information and comes to a rational conclusion or opinion based upon what we communicated.

Is able to communicate his/her rational, reasonable answer/comment in a clear manner.

Is able to recall the conversation for follow-up discussion at a later date.  

What new Alzheimer Spouses do not realize is that some or all of the above functions are breaking or already broken in the early stages of the disease. Our spouse may look, act, and in some cases, talk as they always did, but the unseen damage is wreaking havoc in their brain. The resulting uncharacteristic irrational and angry responses to our communication attempts initially knock us off of our feet. Not realizing what is going on with our spouses, we fight back in anger and disbelief. Our biggest mistake is in talking to them as we always have – as if their comprehension and communicative skills are undamaged, AND expecting them to answer us rationally.

One of my most famous examples of irrational miscommunication occurred 5 years ago, when my husband was still driving. We were going to our Town Square for a dog show. It was 3 miles from the house. He drove a few blocks down our street, and was about to turn right, when 3 children were stepping off of the curb into the street to cross, although they were not near a crosswalk. As he was approaching the intersection, he did not slow down. It appeared (to me) that he was going to run right into the children. I started screaming, “STOP! STOP! You’re going to hit those kids!” He screamed back at me, “I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!  THEY SHOULDN’T BE CROSSING THERE!” Thankfully, he did stop in time, and did not hit the children, but I was hysterical and furious, not only that I thought he was going to run over the children, but at his insane answer. “Who the (not ladylike language) cares whether they have the right of way if YOU KILL THEM,” I yelled.

For another three blocks, the shrieking match continued, with him insisting that he had “the right of way.” I was shaking with anger, and made him turn the car around and go home. He was furious at me, and I was so upset that I left him in the house and went to Town Square myself. When I returned home about 2 hours later, he was still angry, and insisting that he “had the right of way.” I was too stressed to continue the argument.

The next day, as calmly as I could, I revisited the conversation with him. I told him what he said, and that I was only concerned about the children.  As often occurred in the early stages of the disease, given 24 hours to “come down”, he was more rational. He said he did not mean that he was going to hit the children because they were not in a crosswalk. He was slowing the car down. He was just trying to make the point that he was correct in his assertion that he lawfully had the right of way. “Well”, I nastily retorted, “If you had initially said that you were slowing down, and didn’t scream about your rights in the first place, we wouldn’t have had such an argument.” He apologized, only to repeat these type of miscommunication episodes over and over again.

It took a few more years, but I finally learned, and you will also learn, that just because you cannot see the brain damage, it does not mean that it is not there. You must learn the Alzheimer lessons:

Do not expect them to be able to do or discuss what they used to do easily – organizing/handling the finances, taxes; initiating and following through on hiring home repairmen. When they do not do any of these tasks properly, or argue with you about how correct they are, and how incorrect you are, including insulting and verbally abusing you, do not argue with them in what you think is a reasonable manner. They cannot reason. The reason button is broken. Forget it. It won’t work. The more you try to talk to, and reason with them as they used to be, the angrier and more frustrated you BOTH will become. You can either agree with them or:

Do everything yourself. Do not expect them to do anything anymore. It is exhausting and difficult to learn the jobs that were his/hers. It is cause for much resentment on your part, but it is the way it has to be. Unless you follow this advice, you are in for years of screaming matches, verbal abuse, and incomparable stress. They are not who they used to be; they cannot communicate the way they used to; and they cannot reason the way they used to. Stop talking to them and expecting them to respond as if they were. It is difficult to accept that the “reasonable communication” part of your marriage is over – no one fought it harder than me- but it is the only way I was able to maintain my mental health. My emotional health will continue to suffer from all the losses my marriage has incurred in the name of Alzheimer’s Disease. The disease always wins.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved