JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR., JANUARY 11/12, 2012 – BUILIDNG A LIFE ALONE – A TOUGH ROAD

This blog was prompted by a message board post from a member whose husband has been in a facility for over a year and is basically unresponsive. She no longer participates in Alzheimer forums (She wrote on ours at the request of another member who was questioning her absence), considers herself a widow, and is moving on with her life. I applaud her initiative, which I consider emotionally healthy.

I am also trying to take baby steps towards a life of my own away from Alzheimer’s Disease, but I am struggling. Perhaps it is because my husband lives at home and is functional on a basic level. Although he cannot participate in a substantive conversation, recall the plot of a TV show while it is on, recall what was said to him 60 seconds ago, or understand anything that is not expressed in one concrete sentence, he is still here emotionally. He tells me constantly how much he loves me, and how good I am to him. Perhaps if he did not recognize me and was unresponsive, I would have an easier time of it.

Throughout our marriage, we were an extremely close couple emotionally, but I always had friends and activities separate from him. He was a workaholic, so I learned to keep myself busy and active when he was not home. I still have no problem going out with women friends to play my newly learned Mahjong, attend luncheons, the gym, and soon to knitting classes.

I cannot, however, think of attending concerts, movies, dinners, or traveling with “widow” friends, while leaving him at home (with an aide). It is difficult to describe the empty feeling that I experience when I think of going to such places without him. It is as if there is a hole in my heart. He IS still here. We should be doing those activities together. We still do those activities on a limited basis.

Nothing about Alzheimer’s Disease is easy for an Alzheimer Spouse. From initial suspicions that something is not quite right with our spouse to the inevitable death from the disease, absolutely nothing is easy. But this “building a life alone” business is a very rough road. I guess it is no different from any of the  “new realities” Alzheimer’s Disease has forced me to accept, however unwillingly:

Personality changes
Loss of memory, cognition, reasoning
Loss of comprehension
Loss of our former relationship

I fought all of the changes, tried to reverse them, and eventually accepted them. Each acceptance took an emotional toll on me. I suppose acceptance of building a separate life while my husband is still alive will eventually come, but it will be a slow process. We move at our own pace. My Alzheimer learning curve is a sluggish one.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Wed. Blog - Building a Life Alone

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2012 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2012 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

 CUSTOM DESIGNED SCARVES AND MORE

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved