JOAN’S BLOG –TUE/WED, MARCH 1-2, 2011 – BLINDSIDED ONCE AGAIN

On Monday, we had our semi-annual neurology appointment. I did not consider what transpired worthy of a blog, so I wrote an update on the Message Boards. Same old. Same old. My husband scored a 29 on the Mini Mental Test. Therefore, on paper, and according to the doctor, he has remained stable for 5 years. Never mind the fact that his cognition, comprehension, processing, abstract thinking ability, reasoning, etc., etc. etc., have declined dramatically. The Mini Mental says he is stable, so he is stable.

When we left the office, I went over everything with Sid. I asked him if he understood why the doctor did not change his medications and that the Mini Mental Exam does not do a good job of testing his particular deficiencies. He said he understood all of it. I never saw the storm brewing. Not even a breeze.

On Tuesday afternoon, we were attending an Alzheimer’s Luncheon. There were at least 12 people at our table. Sid was sitting across from me, next to one of our social workers. I was conversing with a woman to my left, when suddenly, I heard his elevated angry voice, and the dreaded word, “DRIVING.” I looked at his face, and saw hints of the dark rage that I endured for over a year when he first had to give up driving. Apparently, he took away only one fact from yesterday’s appointment – That his Mini Mental Exam was almost perfect; that he had not declined in 5 years; and therefore, HE HAD WASTED FIVE YEARS OF HIS LIFE NOT DRIVING!. (Actually, he has not been driving for 2 ½, but we will not quibble over length of time.) He was swearing and complaining, becoming more and more agitated. I kept thinking - Where was the doctor NOW?  Why wasn’t he here to see this? I realized at that moment, that although the rages have stopped, and he has seemed calmer, his reasoning ability is almost completely gone; he is totally self absorbed in his own problems; and he has no understanding of how the disease is affecting him. Most people who see him think that I exaggerate his deficiencies. Based on this incident, and the next one that I will discuss, I am convinced that I am UNDER estimating his deficiencies. I managed to calm him down by refusing to discuss the subject, but then the next blow hit, and hit hard.

If you scroll down on this front page, you can read the blog titled, “Holding My Hand”. In it, I discuss how Sid has always been by my side and holding my hand before my surgeries. He read the blog, cried over it, and said that of course, he would be with me this time, as always. On Tuesday, during this same lunch that I spoke of above, someone asked him if he was going to his weekly dominoes game with his Alzheimer Buddies on Monday. They mentioned that my sister would be driving me to surgery, so he may as well come and play dominoes. As if our history together had never occurred, he said, “Yeah, sure. I may as well play. No sense in me sitting all afternoon with Joan. Her sister will be with her.”  If he had stabbed me in the heart with a knife, I could not have hurt more. The pain was so severe, I felt it physically as well as emotionally. Another realization. Alzheimer’s Disease is wiping out our life together. As his memory of his promises, our promises to each other, our togetherness, fades away, I am left with the memories and the pain. I do not know if I am describing well enough just how damaging and painful this realization is to me. I have pushed aside, tamped down, and ignored, the hurt in my heart, over my disappearing husband in order to function, but Tuesday afternoon, when we returned home, I broke. I sobbed as I have not sobbed in at least 2 years. In trying to explain to Sid why I was so upset, he had no memory of reading the “Holding My Hand” blog; no memory of our discussions of him being with me before surgery. For that moment, he said he was sorry, and of course he would come with me. I felt empty. His promise meant nothing, because it was forgotten by the evening.

These two incidents have cemented my understanding that Alzheimer’s Disease has truly stolen my husband from me, and I cannot always ignore the emotional trauma that it is causing me. In July 2007, my very first blog stated that I missed my husband. That is true now more than ever. I desperately miss my husband. I would do anything to have him back. Damn Alzheimer’s Disease.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2011 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved