JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2013 – ADJUSTING TO PLACEMENT

How are you doing? Have you adjusted? Are you finding a new normal? These are the questions most often asked of me regarding the now 10 week old placement of my husband into a nursing home Alzheimer unit. As those of you who follow my blogs know, this has not been an easy transition for me. In trying to answer the question, I have this to say:

If adjustment means that I no longer spend every waking minute I am not visiting Sid, curled up in bed playing mindless tablet games to escape, then yes, I have adjusted.

If adjustment means that I no longer gag after eating ¼ of a meal, then yes, I have adjusted.

If adjustment means that I no longer sob in the car after my visits to Sid, then yes, I have adjusted.

If adjustment means that I no longer require soothing, reassuring phone calls from friends every night to get me through, then yes, I have adjusted.

If adjustment means that I no longer wake up in the morning, pull the covers back over me, and lie there dreading getting up, then yes, I have adjusted.

Were these actions of mine for the first 4-5 weeks after his placement a normal emotional response for a spouse who was fortunate enough to have a long, close, loving marriage for 35 years before Alzeimer’s Disease ripped it apart?  I have no idea. I only knew that eventually, I would emerge from the paralyzing grief, but I was determined to do it on my own timetable in my own way. I had to do what felt right for me.

Slowly, I began to THINK about returning to website and Etsy (www.etsy.com/shop/JoanisKnitting) work. Slowly, I began to THINK about visiting friends for a weekend; making new friends; going to activities; making visits with Sid part of my day, not the ONLY activity of my day.

And finally, today, after 10 weeks, I woke up with not only a purpose for my day, but I actually accomplished at least four items on my list, including writing and posting this blog. 

I do not like living apart from my husband. I do not like watching him slip more and more into his Alzheimer world. I do not like the pain of missing who he was. I do not like any of this, but if adjustment means accepting that I cannot change what is happening to him; that I cannot change the fact that I am no longer physically or emotionally capable of taking care of him; that because I cannot change the course of his disease and the pain it is causing both of us, I must make a life for myself, then yes, I have adjusted.

Everyone is different. Not everyone reacts as poorly as I did to the placement of their spouses. Some spousal caregivers have been in bad marriages, and placement affords them a sense of freedom; some are more stoic and realistic than I, and acceptance comes more easily; and I suppose there are some who react even worse than I did.

Whatever your situation, I want you to know that whether you have placed your spouse or will do so in the future, whatever reaction you experience, and however long it takes you to adjust, will be a normal one FOR YOU. It was a huge help to me that no one told me to hurry up and get over it; to push myself to get on with my life; to stop acting like a baby. Every single friend, relative, acquaintance, and professional with whom I spoke, urged me to adhere to my own timetable. I believe that it is because I did so, that I am feeling a bit stronger each day.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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