JOAN’S BLOG – THUR/FRIDAY, SEPT 29/30, 2011 – A LIFETIME LOST

We sat on the couch, cuddling, our arms around one another, basking in the warmth, comfort, and security of each other’s love. I was barely into my 20’s; he almost out of his. We were newly married and had our lives full of dreams and possibilities ahead of us. Some of those dreams came true; some crashed. It is the way of life. For 35 years, we were each other’s friends, lovers, support system, trusted confidantes. From the day we met until Alzheimer’s Disease entered our lives, I pictured our future as an older version of our young selves, still “connected”, still cuddling, reminiscing about our long life together.

Then Alzheimer’s reality once again sucker punched me in the gut. We were driving to the neurology appointment on Monday, and I was asking my husband of 41 years about the milestones in our marriage. I was not doing it to torture either one of us. I was doing it to be able to give the doctor a perspective on the length and depth of Sid’s memory loss.

Even I, who know better than anyone, how much more impaired he is than he appears to others, was shocked at the memories he has lost. He was unable to recall any of the milestones of our marriage. He did not know where we honeymooned, had no memory or our 20th anniversary cruise or our 25th anniversary party. He guessed at the number of pregnancies I had, and guessed that since there were two pregnancies and one child, I must have had a miscarriage (correct, but it was a guess – a stab in the dark). We have had a few very memorable adventures – one involving a broken airplane, a bomb scare, an airport evacuation, a night spent in the airport terminal…………………….the story goes on, and was captured on the local news. This all happened in a 48 hour period in May 2003. Nothing. He had no idea what I was talking about. He had no memory of the Boy Scout adventure in which he, his best friend, and their sons, got drenched sleeping in a tent during a massive rainstorm at one of the annual Boy Scout Jamborees. By this time, I was in shock, and stopped asking any more questions.

So here we sit, not quite as I pictured it when I was a young bride. We are older, of course. 63 and almost 69. I certainly don’t consider us ancient. If not for the Alzheimer Devil, there still could be some adventure left for us. If not for the Alzheimer Devil, we could surely share the joy of memories from 4 decades together. Instead, our life, our marriage, our adventures, even our sorrows, are mine alone. I know I mentioned this previously when Sid forgot one milestone in our lives, but EVERYTHING? As strangers say after they have met him, “But he doesn’t seem that bad.” No, even to me, he did not seem so bad that he would forget our life together.

This situation is very tough for me to deal with. My emotions, although difficult to pinpoint and articulate, are probably quite familiar to those of you who have been through this period of Alzheimer’s adjustment. I was initially astonished, and am now just plain befuddled as to how I feel. When the befuddlement wears off, I realize I am in for a bout of sadness and despair unlike any I have yet experienced with this damned disease.

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