JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – JULY 18-20, 2008 – HOW TO HELP A SPOUSE AS ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE SHREDS THEIR SELF ESTEEM.

Anyone with access to this website; anyone who has a telephone; or anyone who lives near me, is well aware of the ordeal I have experienced (and am still experiencing) these last two weeks from Sid’s reaction to losing his driving. In case you are new to this site, read the blogs below for the bitter accounting.

I think, however, it is time to examine the situation from my husband’s point of view, and seek suggestions as to how to help him through this life-altering trauma.

To most people, driving represents freedom, and when that privilege is revoked, they feel that their independence is being taken from them prematurely and without their permission. Anger and resentment would be expected. But my husband’s reaction has been so far over the top – what is called a “catastrophic reaction”- that it is threatening to destroy him emotionally, mentally, and physically. And I am standing by helplessly watching this man I have loved almost my entire life, disintegrate. I am not only being blamed for it (rightly so, I guess), I am in the line of fire, taking all of the verbal ammunition he can hurl.

I can understand frustration at the loss of freedom – not being able to come and go at will; having to depend on others (me) to take him places. But with him, it goes so much deeper than that. The loss of his ability to work, to provide income for the household, to be the man “in charge”, was, understandably, a huge blow to his self-esteem. When he was forced to stop working four years ago, I was still working full time in a school system.  We switched roles, and he took care of everything in the house, while I worked. He made the insurance, financial, repair, and other pesky phone calls; he did all of the grocery shopping and errands;  he even did the laundry. It made him feel useful and needed. And what a blessing it was to me not to have to do all of those extra jobs anymore on top of my “outside” job. I used to joke that if I had known how great it was to have a wife, I would have gotten one a long time ago. (Oh, and by the way, it opened his eyes to just how much work I did in addition to my “work”.)

We moved to Florida two years ago, and as his disease has progressed, he has been unable to do more and more of those extra jobs. He cannot handle the phone calls or any household organization. He forgets; he loses papers; he gets frustrated. His one last “job”, his one last ability to be what he perceives as “useful” was the grocery shopping/errands. Because of the driving loss, he can no longer do that independently, thus, in his eyes, and in his own words, he is now “worthless” . The tears are falling as I write this. It hurts me so to watch his sense of self shredded. He does not believe that I understand, but how could I love him, know him as well as he knows himself, and be the other half of his soul for so many years and not understand? I know it is humiliating and degrading for him to be carted around by his wife whenever he wants to go somewhere.

He is so angry with me, and hurt that I did not “fight for him” with the insurance companies; that I did not research far and wide to find one that would insure him. Had I thought it was safe for him to drive, I would have. The fact that, for over a year, I fought against my support group and social workers, because I felt it was safe for him to drive, is lost on him. He hears me say it, but then completely forgets it or discounts it. When I felt his reasoning, judgment, and memory, were affecting his driving, I had to make the hard decision, and so I did. I honestly don’t think I have ever had to make a more difficult decision in my life.

Now the question is – How do I help him adjust? Talking, justifying, explaining, and reasoning with him are totally useless. I am going to apprise his neurologist at the memory disorder clinic of the depression and anger. He often sends his patients to the psychiatrist in his office for counseling and anti-depressant medication. I am going to try to plan “guy” get-togethers for him and his friends, WITHOUT the wives tagging along. I am going to plan for us to do the grocery shopping together. At this point, I don’t think anything will help restore his self-esteem, but I am willing to try whatever I can. He, who has driven me everywhere for 38 years, and has gotten out of a comfortable chair late at night to go to the store for me because I "felt like having some ice cream", or has picked up countless "take-out" orders because I was too tired to cook, certainly deserves no less than my best efforts.

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