JOAN'S BLOG - MONDAY, AUGUST 4, 2008 - ALZHEIMER'S - A DISEASE OF BOTH SPOUSES

Bear with me on this one. This Blog may not sound so at first, but it DOES have to do with Alzheimer’s Disease.

Our members span the age gamut from the World War II generation to the Baby Boomer generation to those dealing with EOAD, who are of the post Baby Boom generation known as X, Y, Z, or some other letter.  In any case, I am a Baby Boomer, and in my generation (Oh my, do I sound old or what?), when a woman was pregnant, she said – “I am pregnant.” .  Today’s couples always say – “WE are pregnant.” Sorry, but unless the new age husband (never mind about the man/woman who just gave birth) is the one throwing up; the one gaining all of the weight; the one having crying and craving fits due to raging hormones; and is the one suffering through 15 (or more) hours of labor, HE’S not pregnant. His wife is.

That one little annoying (To me, anyway – maybe not to you.) phrase – “WE’RE pregnant.” got me musing about Alzheimer’s Disease and spouses. I think AD fits the “WE” have the disease more than the “WE” are pregnant statement.

I am not in any way suggesting that we spouses endure the devastating mental effects of the dreadful disease known as Alzheimer’s in the same manner as the one who suffers from it.  But this disease causes emotional stress beyond compare, by forcing the caregiver spouse to endure a multiple of deaths, instead of just one final death -the death of the emotional marital bond; death of companionship; death of conversation; death of the mental essence of the person we fell in love with. Each death forces us to grieve and mourn over and over and over again.

Those emotional stresses forced upon us by Alzheimer’s Disease are compounded by the physical stresses of bathing, feeding, dressing, changing, soothing the tantrums, and caring for every mental and physical need of the child in the adult body of the stranger who is no longer the spouse we knew and loved.

So while our spouse has the disease, the stress of dealing with the disease has come at the expense of our own mental, emotional, and physical health. Now I would say that classifies as “WE have Alzheimer’s Disease” or at the very least, “WE are suffering with Alzheimer’s Disease.”

Many months ago, our member Sandi, said that she had made up her mind that she was not going to allow Alzheimer’s Disease to claim two victims. In order for us not to allow that to happen, we must take the wise advice of those who have been through this ordeal and come out whole. Difficult as it may be, and I am living proof of how hard it is to do, we must eventually divorce ourselves emotionally from our spouses, so we can care for them without having our hearts shredded at every new stage. We must make separate, fulfilling lives for ourselves, even if it is a weekly outing with non-Alzheimer friends for a non-Alzheimer activity. Yes, even I do this when time permits – I have a luncheon datein the works with a friend- we just have to find time in between doctor’s appointments to do it.

So although the phrase, “WE are pregnant” rankles me no end, I do believe “WE are suffering with Alzheimer’s Disease” is quite an appropriate statement.

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