JOAN’S BLOG – Wednesday, May 28, 2008 – UNDETECTED EARLY STAGE ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE – A CAUSE OF DIVORCE?

Unless you are part of a society of “arranged marriages”, chances are pretty good that most of us chose to spend a lifetime with our spouses because we fell in love with them. The reasons for that love are as varied as there are personalities. As discussed in Relationship Repair, maybe we were attracted to their warmth, kindness, humor; maybe we were attracted to their wildness, devil-may-care attitude, heart pounding sexuality/; maybe it was their steadiness, intelligence, values. Whatever it was, it filled a space in our hearts, illuminated our lives, and over the years, formed a strong emotional bond.

Then one day – it seemed to me that it happened quite suddenly – but maybe in other cases, it was gradual - the familiar, life partner/ lover/best friend, changes into someone you neither recognize nor like. Signs of dementia are too subtle to be recognized as such. More likely, the “unchanged” spouse is simply blindsided with a personality change in their partner that they cannot understand nor live with.

Perhaps you were used to discussing and finding mutually satisfying solutions to everyday problems – money, child discipline (in the EOAD cases), vacations, household purchases, marital tiffs. Suddenly, your spouse is not interested in anything you have to say, seems distant, distracted, apathetic about participating in your “partnership.” He/she may often forget what you said the day before, which only fuels your feeling that they are ignoring you, pulling away emotionally.

Maybe the meals are not being cooked; the laundry not getting done; and your inquiries about such are met with indifference..

Perhaps your even tempered spouse is now prone to throwing temper tantrums if the children or grandchildren are too loud, if supper is late, or the food not cooked exactly as they like.

When you try to discuss your concerns with your spouse, you are met with either denials, the silent treatment, or screaming rages.

Sometimes rather than denials and tantrums, attempts at discussion are met with indifference and irrationality – the inability to understand why their behavior is causing distress.

There is confusion, anger, and deep emotional pain in the spouse who has not “changed”. There may be attempts at marriage counseling that are ultimately doomed to failure - the spouse with the undetected AD may be unable to recognize they have a problem, or remember to follow any relationship repair strategies.

All of this often occurs before the situation escalates to the point of blatant forgetfulness and confusion that would alert one to a medical condition. Instead, it is viewed as an irreparable relationship breakdown, which leads to divorce.

It was a range of comments on the Message Boards in a variety of topics that led me to thinking about this. It was stated in one of the posts that under ordinary circumstances, who among us would put up with irrational temper tantrums, verbal abuse, physical abuse, ignorance of our emotional, sexual, and conversational needs? We put up with it now because we recognize it for what it is – an illness – just as we would cope with a physical illness, such as cancer. But the wondering is there in my mind – has undetected Early Stage Alzheimer’s Disease been the cause of many divorces?

This is one of the reasons it is so important to raise awareness of the true nature of Alzheimer’s Disease. In the Daily News Update article featured above, the author discusses the misconceptions about Alzheimer’s Disease, although not in the depth I would have liked. People need to be aware, as I tried to explain to the legislators, that it is a total BRAIN disease, not just a fading memory disease. The early signs are subtle, often confused with behavior and personality changes that can lead to divorce and other family discord. If the public were more educated about the disease, early detection and intervention may not prevent the heartache, but may help spouses and families cope better when they know they are dealing with a disease.

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