JOAN’S BLOG, JUNE 16, 2014 – ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE ALTERS MARRIED LOVE

Those of you who are just entering this Alzheimer Journey will most likely strenuously disagree with me. Many, but maybe not all, of you who have been traveling this road for a long time will sadly, resignedly agree with me.

When my husband and I first received the Alzheimer diagnosis, we clung to each other, promising that we would weather this storm together, that I would always take care of him, and that we would always love each other. We were strong. We had been through other difficulties in 36 years of marriage. We would get through this together. What we could not know then, 8 long years ago, was that Alzheimer’s Disease is a Category 5 Hurricane that rips through the life of the patient and caregiver, leaving destruction, devastation, and permanent life changes in its wake.

Today, I want to focus on what was to me, and may have been to you, the most surprising and sorrowful aspect of that destruction and change – married love. Alzheimer’s Disease alters married love. I did not want that to be true. I fought against it with every breath I took. But in the end, the truth is – Alzheimer’s Disease alters married love.

In the Relationship Breakdown and Repair section on the left side of this website, I explain that we married our spouses for particular reasons – “Let’s face it – we all married our spouses for particular REASONS. We didn’t just spin a wheel with names on it and choose one. We chose them for their special characteristics that we loved. In that person we chose as a life partner; maybe we saw strength, humor, intelligence, warmth, and kindness. Maybe you liked the rebel, the outsider, the wild one. It doesn’t matter. You had reasons for your choice.”

Unfortunately, as Alzheimer’s Disease advances, it takes with it the personality, cognition, understanding, reasoning, and memories of our spouse. When they no longer possess the special characteristics with which we fell in love, how can our feelings not change? Where there was once vital and exciting conversation with a peer, there is now minimal talking, little comprehension of ideas and discussion topics, and blank stares. Where there was once the enjoyment of shared activities, whether it was a Scrabble game, a day at the beach, a trip around the world, dancing, museum hopping, movie going, enjoying a live theatre presentation, there is now, due to his/her diminishing abilities, very little you can do together. Where there was once shared responsibilities of household duties ( finances, yard work, home maintenance, cooking, cleaning), everything now falls to you, the caregiver. Resentment and exhaustion on your part soon follow.

Passion and intimacy will eventually be replaced by the necessity for you to fulfill your spouses’ personal hygiene needs – showering, dressing, and toileting. It is a brutally honest fact – the desire for sexual intimacy quickly dissipates in the face of changing adult diapers and cleaning the accompanying mess off of walls and floors.

When all these changes occur, so does the married love you once shared. It cannot be otherwise. The person with whom you stayed in love for decades is no longer with you. He/she has been replaced by a special needs child. You will love that child and care for him/her, but there will no longer be romantic love. That was one of the most difficult aspects of this miserable disease’s consequences that has wrought Hell with my emotions.

I mourn the loss of that love and the loss of the man who was the recipient of that love every day that I breathe. Although I grieve deeply for both, I have finally come to accept that this loss is part of the price of Alzheimer’s Disease. This is a fact that no one but an Alzheimer Spouse can understand.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Blog - Alzheimer's Disease Alters Married Love

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
©Copyright 2014Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2014All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken

CUSTOM DESIGNED SCARVES AND MORE

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved