JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR., SEPTEMBER 14/15, 2011 – ARRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!

It happened again! My AD husband managed to make me look like a hyperactive, over-reacting, lying drama queen in front of his new orthopedic doctor. It is incredulous to me how, at this stage of the journey, he can STILL pull it together enough when he meets new people, that he is able to appear, hold a conversation, and react perfectly normal. It honestly makes me wonder if he is too lazy to bother even TRYING to use the brain cells he still possesses when we are home, because he figures it’s easier to make me do all of the thinking and work. That probably is not a fair assessment, and I know it, but right now, I am so AGGRAVATED at yesterday’s performance that if I had the strength and height, I would shake him silly.

As is my usual procedure when we meet a new doctor, I had a list. This one had a history of Sid’s knee fractures, diabetes and Alzheimer symptoms, along with a CD of the most recent knee MRI and bone scans. I explained that Sid did not remember the sequence of events or when he has pain or much of anything else, and that I would answer most of the doctor’s questions. (Sid and I have discussed this procedure many times, and always right before we enter a doctor’s office, so he will remember. He is fine with it. He does not feel that I am demeaning him. He knows that he cannot remember anything.)  

When the doctor started to ask questions, the husband sitting next to me morphed into a personable, talkative, sociable, perfectly normal man. He answered almost all of the questions correctly, looking to me only twice for answers; he made appropriate comments; joked with the doctor and assistant, engaged in conversation; and informed them that he had a “high pain tolerance”.

Just as I asked when Alzheimer’s Disease first possessed his brain – “Where is my husband?”, I asked myself, as I was watching this show, “Who is this person, where did he come from,  and why doesn’t he live with me?” I was so angry I wanted to SCREAM.

I will not go into detail as to the diagnosis and prognosis from the doctor, but one of his instructions to Sid was to get up and walk more, as the combination of sitting constantly, and the poor circulation from the diabetes is hindering bone nourishment, which is needed for healing. My husband – the husband who was listening to the doctor, not the husband with whom I live – told the doctor that was no problem. He could get around just fine on his walker, and he would certainly walk more.

Apparently, I left that husband in the doctor’s office, and brought home the Alzheimer husband, because when we sat down in our den an hour later, he could not remember a thing the doctor said. When I told him about walking more and getting in the pool as often as possible, he said, “I guess I have to believe what you say. I’ll do what you tell me.”

Two hours later, while he was already standing up, returning to the den from the bathroom, I asked him to please close the window blinds. The whining and complaining was relentless – His feet hurt; he couldn’t walk; his back hurt; why did he have to do everything. It took every ounce of strength in my body not to shout, scream, yell, remind him of his Academy Award winning afternoon matinee performance, and try to reason with him. I held on. I said nothing. I internalized the anger and stress, and tore out a scarf I had been knitting for two days. I did not like the way it was coming out, and it felt quite good to yank out yarn, which was better than yanking out my hair – or his.

Intellectually, I understand what happened yesterday. First of all, he hates to appear weak or deficient in front of new people he meets, so somehow, and I have no idea how, he does manage a bravo performance. Second, and most importantly, he does not remember what he says or does, so he truly does not remember that he said he was able to walk, or that he said he could stand pain, nor does he remember how he behaved or what the doctor said. Therefore, my being angry at him for behaving as a typical Alzheimer patient post performance, is irrational. I understand that, but sometimes my emotions rule over my intellect. That is what happened yesterday. At least I have learned not to react by screaming and arguing. I figure that’s enough of an accomplishment for me, and if I want to feel angry, I will.

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