JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – APRIL 30/MAY 1, 2011 - Three Symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease That New Spousal Caregivers Don’t Know About

After two full weeks of enduring the wrath of bronchitis, including deep congested coughing, exhaustion, laryngitis, incessant sneezing, elephant size anti-biotic pills, and disgusting tasting cough medicine, I am finally feeling better. Sid, who caught the germs from me, is also on the mend.

During my illness, I have been checking in on the Message Boards daily, and have noticed a note of desperation and panic among new members who are confused and frightened at the symptoms their newly diagnosed spouses are exhibiting. They question if and how any of it could be related to Alzheimer’s Disease. I have written various blogs concerning the symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease in addition to, or before memory loss appears. Today I would like to organize and consolidate the symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease of which new caregivers may be unaware. It is vital to understand these symptoms in order to be able to deal with the behaviors they induce.

I must qualify what I am about to write with the Alzheimer Motto – “If you’ve seen ONE Alzheimer patient, you’ve seen ONE Alzheimer patient”, which means that although so many of the symptoms are similar, everyone is different. Alzheimer’s Disease affects everyone’s brain in a different area, at a different rate, in a different manner. No one will exhibit all of the symptoms, and some may never exhibit any of the symptoms.

The following three symptoms are those which caused me the most anxiety because no one ever told me that they were part of Alzheimer’s Disease:

Personality Change:

In our case, my husband’s personality change was intertwined with failed reasoning. Three decades of ‘give and take’, compromising our differences, and neither being afraid to admit and apologize when we were wrong, suddenly came to an abrupt halt. My husband was demanding, irrational, unreasonable, both with me, and in public with others. No amount of calm, intelligent discussion got through to him. After one of his irrational outbursts, I would have to wait at least 24 hours for him to calm down. I would then calmly (That took every ounce of strength I had) explain what he had done, what he had said, and how he behaved. I would ask him if it seemed reasonable to him and what he thought about it now. Most of the time he would say that what I was telling him was NOT what he had meant, but what frightened me the most was that he usually seemed confused and could not understand that he had done anything wrong.

I became quietly hysterical, meaning that I was dying inside. I was scared, confused, and totally in the dark about what was happening. Where was my husband? What happened to the tower of strength on whom I could always depend? What was happening to what I thought was an unbreakable emotional bond between us? If this personality change had not been accompanied my memory loss, I never would have thought to consult a neurologist. I would have gone to marriage counseling, which, as we have since determined, is useless in cases of dementia.

YES, personality change is a very early symptom of dementia. Alzheimer’s Disease is attacking the brain, and it often goes to the personality section first.

Verbal Abuse towards the “well” spouse – To those of us who have lived with love and respect throughout our marriage, being the target of verbal abuse by our spouses is devastating. Besides being in shock and disbelief that my husband could behave in this manner, my first thought when he began attacking me was – “Who the Hell stays in a marriage like this? How do these women who live with verbally abusive men put up with it? “And yet, when the cause is Alzheimer’s Disease, we are expected to “take it”. Medications do help, so I would encourage anyone who is the target of verbal abuse to consult your spouses’ neurologist for medications that will calm them. I honestly could not have lived with my husband much longer if the medication did not stop the verbal abuse.

YES, verbal abuse is a symptom of Alzheimer’s Disease. Neurologists, psychiatrists, and social workers who work with AD patients and their families will tell you that it is “part of the disease”, and you have to learn not to take it personally. I found that advice impossible to follow (Others have had more success than me), and I was grateful for the medication that stopped the abuse.

Failed Reasoning – Let us assume that your spouse has always been an intelligent, careful thinker; one who weighs both sides of an issue, and makes a decision based upon facts presented; someone who has always been willing to admit his/her errors and make changes. Then one day, you find that he/she takes no responsibility for a mistake that is clearly his/hers; cannot understand any reasonable argument; and insists blue is red even in face of irrefutable evidence that blue is blue. No matter how convincing, truthful, and logical your side is presented, they stubbornly refuse to relent. That is Alzheimer’s Disease at work.

YES, failed reasoning is a symptom of Alzheimer’s Disease. As we often say, “The reasoning button is broken”. Once it is broken, it cannot be fixed, and unless you losing the argument is life threatening, give it up. You cannot win an argument with an Alzheimer’s Diseased brain, it is definitely part of the disease, and you had better learn to agree to whatever they say in order to preserve your sanity.

I spent almost 4 years stumbling around in the dark, trying to figure out what was happening to my husband, to “us”, and to our marriage. It caused me undue stress, anxiety, and tears. If sharing my knowledge can spare just one new spousal caregiver the depths of despair I endured, I feel I will have done a good job.

For additional reference and information, I encourage you to read these blogs that give detail on the unknown Alzheimer symptoms and how they affected me:

Alzheimer’s Disease is Not What the Public Thinks

Early AD Symptoms the Cause of Divorce

The Agony of AD Destruction

Alzheimer Rage

Insults and Taunts

How Much Hurt Must We Endure

MESSAGE BOARD: Joan's Weekend Blog - 3 Symptoms Caregivers Don't Know

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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